vir non camelus est.

Friday, June 22, 2007

Round 11: BF v Homebrand

A strong seven-man Fish outfit took to court 2 for the big clash with league heavyweights, Homebrand, with memories of their one-point victory in Round 4 fresh in their minds.

An otherwise unspectacular match may be described as follows:

  • Black Fish gain ascendancy through hard work, solid defence and the offensive exploits of Foreman (D).
  • Referee with record-breaking diminutive genitalia and large party-pack of Samboys hovering above each acromion sets new MARS precedent for marshmallow-impersonation, actively discriminating against the upstanding citizens in Black, thereby sending the Fish into a technical foul-riddled tailspin late in the game.
  • Scores become level with less than 30 seconds on the clock.
  • Fish score on the buzzer to record a stirring 29-27 victory.
  • Referee can shove above result up his flabby arse.
The Fish have improved their record to 5-4-1 and are looking to establish themselves firmly in the top four, while taking things one week at a time.

Thursday, June 21, 2007

Round 10: BF v The Disgraced ("Fight Night")

On October 30, 1974, in the dark pre-dawn mist of Kinshasa, Zaire, an epic fight was staged between the brash young Muhammad Ali and the frightening Heavyweight Champion, George Foreman (later thought to be BF12's biological father). This was sport at its best. It was the 'Rumble in the Jungle'.

Who would have thought that just 11,915 days later, in the late-night chill of MARS stadium, another epic fight would erupt. And that (rather less successfully) it would come to be known as the 'Fracas at MARS'. Or perhaps the 'Melee at Marden'. Or the 'Brawl at the B'ball'. Or something.

In any event, the game began innocuously enough, with the Fish easing outing to a slender lead early before allowing the Disgrace back into the match. Things began to heat up early in the second half as the Fish began to exert more pressure on their pathetic opposition. It was at that point that Carrot's lieutenant-wanker, Fatty, finally caved in to the years of painfully-accurate gibes about his micro-penis, and bitch-slapped heroic BF point-guard Rodgers (A).

Enter Rodgers (N).....

And it was on. The teams decided to get it on, 'cos they don't get along. Several minutes of impressive pushing and shoving by the hard men of the Black Fish later, it was over. And the match was sensationally discontinued by MARS management, the personification of whom had dragged his last remaining molecules of articular cartilage into the fray, only to feel them expire under the weight of his haste (and waist), arriving in molecular purgatory only moments before the majority of his myocardium.

Fittingly, the basketball Gods smiled upon their chosen sons, awarding the game to the scoreboard leaders at the time of the stoush, thereby granting the Fish a mighty victory, 22-17.

The fight itself is difficult to describe, but several eyewitnesses reported it thus:

BF07 - "Super melee that. The details are less important than the lessons learnt :

1) Don't mess with the Rodgers boys
2) "The Disgraced" are not short of a tool. (Fatty = tool of the week; finally displaced Carrot)."

BF06 - "A gutless shirtfronting by one of the many fuckwits from the disgraced Disgraced led to a spirited Black Fish response (and a rather painful jaw,neck and head for me for the weekend) and sealed what would have otherwise been a rather clinical victory."

BF03 - "The Disgraced were angry that day my friends.
Towards the end of a generally unremarkable game which saw the Black Fish leading most of the the way, it happened; out of nowhere BF06 was maliciously "shirt-fronted" by a dirty, dirty player from the aptly-named opposition. Then it was on:
Angry words gave way to pushing, pushing turned into shoving, shoving graduated to wrestling with the occasional punch, then an almost all-in brouhaha ensued.
A tear came to this spectator's eye when big BF17 rushed in to save his little BF06 brother, and with this the melee was generally abandoned.
The game was subsequently cut short, but with the Mighty Black Fish ahead, we took the points victory along with the more important moral victory.
Disgraced indeed."

Undoubtedly a fine effort by the Fish, this may be the turning point that propels them towards finals glory. Watch out next week as they resume hostilities with Homobrand.

Monday, June 11, 2007

Round 9: BF v Red Dwarfs

A steely-faced quintet of Fish arrived on Court 2 for the early match against Red Dwarfs, intent on exacting revenge for the disappointing loss in Round 1. The Fish started uncharacteristically strongly, racing to an early lead before allowing the Dwarfs into the game in the latter part of the first half.

Things looked a little grim at the half, when in strode the surprise impact player in Noutz (C), who launched himself into the game almost immediately with some trademark heavy body work and absolute dominance on the boards at both ends of the court.

And it was upon extracting his first ever charging foul at the midpoint of the half that the game finally turned in the Fish's favour. From there, the starting five of Foreman (D), Edwards (S), Whittle (S), Weeks (R) and Rodgers (A) were able to extend their slender lead with a combination of intelligent play and end-to-end consistency that would have impressed future coach Neil Craig no end.

In the end it was an impressive 38-33 victory for the Fish, who have put their finals aspirations firmly back on track.

The post-match celebrations were muted by the temporary retirement of chief scorer and team stalwart Ly (H); fortunately the tragic season-ending spinal injury to Rajapaksa (S) will allow him to fill the scorer's role for the remainder of Winter season 2007 (wheelchair access permitting). Don't miss this week's big re-match with Carrot and his band of Dickheads.

Updated Fixture List

The remaining matches for season 2007 have been slightly altered due to the timely replacement of the East All-Fags with the strangely familiar Deja Vu. The fixture list has been updated.

Friday, June 1, 2007

Round 8: BF v Metal Slug

The early match on Court 2 saw the mighty Black Fish take on a team with an absurd name and a playing list whose mean Freak Quotient is almost preternaturally high, except in comparison with most other teams in Marden E grade (the Black Fish being the singular exception).

The welcome return of the Rodgers brothers and a stunning all-round display from Edwards (S) saw the Fish leap out to an imposing early lead before the mysterious lock-out of Rodgers (N) for the remainder of the first half allowed the slug to surge forwards to a large half-time lead.

But, as it states in the Bible, cometh the second half, cometh the Black Fish, and cometh they did. Sharp defensive focus from Downing, a dominant performance from Noutz (including an unexpectedly high scoring aggregate) and a workmanlike appearance by Whittle allowed star players Rodgers (N>A) and Edwards (S) to push the Fish towards an unlikely victory.

Sadly, having swept to a tenuous lead with moments remaining, a sloppy effort from an unnamed reigning Player of the Year allowed the Slug's very own "Not Michael" Jordan to squeeze in a solitary free throw, condemning the Fish to a heart-breaking tie 36-36.

The Fish must now dig deep in order to stay in the race for the finals. Surely they can look no further for inspiration than team stalwart and all-time high-scorer Ly (H), who made an impressive return to the court only days after her confinement.