vir non camelus est.

Wednesday, November 28, 2007

D Grade Fixtures Summer 2007/8

Round 11 (29/11/07) BF v Deja Vu 9:00pm
Round 12 (6/12/07) BF v Metal Slug 9:45pm
Round 13 (13/12/07) BYE
Round 14 (3/1/08) BF v Eds Mavs Blue 6:45pm
Round 15 (10/1/08) BF v Muppets 10:30pm
Round 16 (17/1/08) BF v Old Reds 7:30pm
Round 17 (24/1/08) BF v All Stars 8:15pm
Round 18 (31/1/08) BF v Argy Bargy 7:30pm
Round 19 (7/2/08) BF v King George Whiting 9:00pm
Round 20 (14/2/08) BF v Deja Vu 7:30pm
Round 21 (21/2/08) BF v Metal Slug 7:30pm
Round 22 (28/2/08) BYE
Round 23 (6/3/08) BF v Eds Mavs Blue 10:30pm
Round 24 (13/3/08) BF v Muppets 6:00pm
Round 25 (20/3/08) BF v Old Reds 8:15pm
Semi Finals 27/3/08
Grand Final 3/4/08

P.S. If you're looking for a new roller-door for your garage, you must avoid "Doors N More", who are a bunch of clowns.

Round 10: BF v King George Whiting ("Next stop, C Grade")

The mighty Black Fish faced a stern test in their first match in D grade, taking on ladder leaders and former traditional rivals, King George Whiting, in a blockbuster on Court 3.

As always, when challenged, the Fish rose magnificently. All 6 available Fish played exceptional basketball in one of the most skilful, gutsy, controlled and finely-judged matches ever seen at this fine club.

The Black Fish were in command early before sliding to a perilous deficit late in the first half. But then, led by an MVP performance by Whittle (N), the Fish inexorably reeled in and overhauled their more fancied opposition. The second half was an exercise in tempo and control as the Black Fish squeezed the life out of the White Fish.

In the end, a magnificent 41-33 victory sees the Black Fish dominate D grade.

Always bet on Black.


For those who have watched the Black Fish at work on a Thursday night it would be hard to believe that there is any higher league than Marden Thursday Men's E Grade, but apparently there is (no, not the NBA).

As a result of their irresistible performances and string of stunning victories, the Fish have been promoted to D Grade, effective immediately. The Fish will bring their existing premiership points with them and are thus expected to shoot straight to the top of the D Grade ladder.

The inexorable march to world domination continues....

Round 9: BF v Homebrand

In a very strange game, a full-strength Black Fish side took on ancient foes Homebrand on Court 3. The game was characterised by a number of unusual occurrences many of which took place at the scorers' bench.

To summarise:

1. Black Fish play inexplicably poor basketball.
2. Referee (pictured below with hand raised) even less explicably ejects Homebrand player from the stadium for having the temerity to possess a normal body habitus.
3. Black Fish mount rousing late recovery but narrowly fail to overhaul the opposition.
4. Scoring 'error' leads to famous BF victory, 40-39.

Strange game. Nice result.

Tuesday, November 13, 2007

Boston Celtics v Denver Nuggets

In accordance with the long-standing exchange programme between the Black Fish and the Boston Celtics, 2006 BF Player of the Year Whittle (S) was invited to attend the highly-anticipated clash between the new-look Celtics and the Allen Iverson-led Denver Nuggets at Boston Garden on November 7.

BF00 at the Celtics bench

The Celtics, clearly inspired by the presence of BF00, jumped out to an early lead and never looked back. Captain Paul Pierce dominated the first half but it was the sheer class of Kevin Garnett and the hustle of cult-hero Brian Scalabrine that resulted in a thumping 119-93 victory to the Celtics.

The Celtics, who now lead the Eastern Conference with a 5-0 record, attribute their stunni
ng rise from bottom of the Atlantic conference last season to the inspirational form of the Black Fish, who also sit atop the league with a 6-1 record.

Negotiations are now in place to recruit some of the Celtics Cheerleaders to bolster the support at Marden Garden.

Sunday, November 4, 2007

Round 7: BF v CJs

A magnificent Black Fish side put together one of their finest all-round performances in destroying traditional rivals CJs 42-21.

The Black Fish now reign supreme atop the premiership ladder.

A full match report will follow when your correspondent returns from his guest appearance with the Boston Celtics.

Sunday, October 28, 2007

Round 6: BF v Not Quite Allstars

Many Black Fish fans were curious, and a little anxious, ahead of this week's key clash with traditional rivals Not Quite Allstars, as the league newcomers entered Round 6 atop the E-grade ladder.

It appears, however, that their team name was excessively flattering. A more accurate moniker may have been 'Very Fucking Far From Allstars'.

Future BF000, Maxwell L "The Delivery" Van Whittle made his first appearance courtside to watch an almost full-strength Black Fish side (missing only Winter 2007 'matchwinner' Downing) completely take apart the Allstars.

In a complete performance, Rodgers (N), Whittle (N), and Noutz (C) provided an impenetrable wall down low, Edwards (S), Foreman (D) and Whittle (S) operated perfectly in their swing roles and Weeks (R) dominated at the point. A complete team performance that resulted in an impressive 46-23 victory, and added further momentum to the Black Fish premiership juggernaut.

Round 4: Bye

No children were born during this week's bye.

Round 5: BF v Spectrum

It would not be inaccurate to state that even iodine-deficient Bhutanese children are aware that the sad old jokes from Spectrum are amongst the lowest-quality men on Earth. It's not about their heads (horrid though they are), or their well-documented struggle against the modern scourge of morbid obesity, or their curious penchant for poorly-executed look-away passes, or their creaky lower-limb articulations, or even their choice in facial hair.

It's simply that they are small men. And, as if to demonstrate an inverse correlation between manliness and chromosome count, it is the slightly-inaccurately numbered 42 who is the smallest of them all.

It would be excessively wearisome to recount all of his behaviours (his humorous description of BF07 as a beyatch notwithstanding). One might simply remind him of Jebediah Springfield's immortal aphorism "A noble spirit embiggens the smallest man".

In any event, a dominant Black Fish side utterly dominated the contest, eventually winning 55-31 despite a cowardly 10-point scorer penalty. Surely it was a sad late-night ride home in the Minda bus.

Round 3: BF v Metal Slug

Immediately following this game Metal Slug was promoted to D grade.

Strange, then, that the Black Fish effortlessly flogged them 46-37.

Round 2: BF v Homebrand

Some observers believe that Homebrand aren't a bad bunch of blokes; their behaviour in Round 2 sadly proves the opposite. In an act that proves what small men they really are, the Homobrands chose to take the cowardly path of exacting a 10-point scorer penalty from a depleted Fish outfit.

And so it was that a hard-fought victory for the Fish was translated to a disappointing 41-44 loss in the official records.

Round 1: BF v The Disgraced

There is no more satisfying way to kick off the season than with a victory over Carrot and his mob of angry young men.

And so it came to pass. A magnificent victory to the Black Fish 31-29. The perfect start to the 2007/8 Summer season.

Fixtures Summer 2007/8

Round 1 (20/9/07) BF v The Disgraced
Round 2 (27/9/07) BF v Homebrand
Round 3 (4/10/07) BF v Metal Slug
Round 4 (11/10/07) BYE
Round 5 (18/10/07) BF v Spectrum
Round 6 (25/10/07) BF v Not Quite Allstars
Round 7 (1/11/07) BF v CJs 6:45pm
Round 8 (8/11/07) BF v The Disgraced 7:30pm
Round 9 (15/11/07) BF v Homebrand 9:45pm
Round 10 (22/11/07) BF v Air Supreme 9:00pm
Round 11 (29/11/07) BYE
Round 12 (6/12/07) BF v Spectrum 10:30pm
Round 13 (13/12/07) BF v Not Quite Allstars 6:00pm
Round 14 (3/1/08) BF v CJs 9:45pm
Round 15 (10/1/08) BF v The Disgraced 6:45pm
Round 16 (17/1/08) BF v Homebrand 6:00pm
Round 17 (24/1/08) BF v Air Supreme 9:00pm
Round 18 (31/1/08) BYE
Round 19 (7/2/08) BF v Spectrum 10:30pm
Round 20 (14/2/08) BF v Not Quite Allstars 8:15pm
Semi Finals 21/2/08
Grand Final 28/2/08

Semi Final: BF v Deja Vu

It had been a long time between finals for the countless die-hard Black Fish fans and expectations ran high.

Let the record state that the boys played their hearts out, but, despite a stirring second-half comeback, sadly fell just short of a magnificent upset victory, eventually succumbing by the narrow margin of 50-54 to eventual premiers Deja Vu.

Despite the heartbreak of the loss, most pundits would agree that winter season 2007 was a success for this mighty club, and will serve as a sound platform for a future tilt at premiership glory.

Tuesday, September 4, 2007


The Black Fish will meet Deja Vu in a massive semi-final at 9:00pm on Thursday 6th September on court three.

Sunday, September 2, 2007

Minor Round Statistics

As the Fish prepare for some September action, it is an opportune time to look at some of the stats that have emerged from Winter Season 2007:

Win:loss - 10-7-1

Average winning margin (95% CI) - 6.89 points (1.4, 12.4)

Average losing margin - 9.13 points (4.7, 13.6)

Highest winning margin - 21 points (Round 21 - Spectrum)

Highest losing margin - 17 points (Round 16 - Red Dwarfs)

A logistic regression analysis was performed to examine factors predictive of a Black Fish victory. All 17 games in which a win or loss was recorded were included in the analysis. Following univariate analysis, a multivariate model was constructed using backwards elimination. Some interesting results were obtained:

1. Despite the Fish winning 5 of their 6 games played on court 2, there was no statistical relationship between the court and the odds of winning (p=0.248, Fisher's exact).

2. The Fish played 10 matches without a player on the bench, winning only 4 of these games. In contrast, they won 6 of the 7 games in which more than 5 players were available. Therefore, the odds of a victory were 9 times higher when an interchange player was available. This relationship was not statistically significant, however (p=0.082, Fisher's exact).

3. The presence of powerhouse forward Rodgers (N) increased the odds of victory by 33%, however this also failed to reach statistical significance (p=0.581, Fisher's exact).

4. The multivariate model revealed only one statistically significant predictive factor, after accounting for all other predictor variables. And the result may come as a surprise to some (but perhaps not to all). The presence of utility Downing (K), significantly increased the odds of a Black Fish victory when all other predictors were taken into account. KD increased the odds of victory tenfold (!), 95% CI (1.05, 95.5), p=0.045.

Make of that what you will.

Round 21: BF v Spectrum ("Dunk Night")

A makeshift Black Fish side strode onto court 1 for the final minor round game with a place in the finals all but assured. Complacency, however, was far from their collective consciousness, thanks to their inherent Black Fish pride, their disdain for their gnomesque opponents, and their desire to run into the finals on a three-match winning streak.

While the game was far from a spectacle, and the result was beyond doubt early in the first half, there were several notable aspects to the match:

1. The impressive debut by little-known journeyman Baum (D).

2. The absence of Spectrum's pathetic, bitch-kicking, patch-wearing trisomy chimera (omitted due to a courage deficiency).

3. A scoring spree by Downing (K) [2 points].

4. The sublime mid-range shooting of Weeks (R).

5. The Fish's greatest winning margin of the season.

6. And most notably, the total dominance of the game by spectacular new recruit Whittle (N), who helped himself to a commanding 23 points before sealing the deal in spectacular style with a first in 14 years of Black Fish history - a stunning end-to-end run on the fast break culminating in a massive slam dunk. An act that spoke clearly in a language all its own: 'take that, you fat bunch of cripples'. Special stuff, that.

And so, with a comfortable 47-26 win under their belts, the Fish prepare to enter their first ever finals campaign at MARS. Having beaten every other team in the top four at least once this season the Fish enter the finals with a great deal of confidence. Stay tuned early next week for the announcement of the game time and the Fish's semi-final opponent.

Go you mighty Black Fish!

Round 20: Bye

The entire Black Fish squad spent the week not writing a match report.

Thursday, August 16, 2007

Round 19: BF v Deja Vu

Some teams one simply dislikes (see The Disgraced). And other teams are such a deplorable melange of Monchhichi outcasts that one can barely muster the psychic energy to register an emotion other than the vaguely disinterested, lip-curling kind of subconscious revulsion that wells up upon stepping in a fetid pile of dog excrement.

Or so it is for me anyway.

And with this thought fresh in their minds, the mighty Black Fish took to court three for the pivotal encounter with the little chimps. A fine Fish unit it was too, bolstered by the timely return of Weeks (R) and Foreman (D), the eagerly-anticipated re-warming of the scorer's chair by the slender buttocks of Rajapaksa (S), the incomparable courtside stylings of Foreman (L) and Rodgers (S) - who, it must be added, is putting in a strong effort for Supporter-of-the-Year honours in 2007 - and the spectacular Black Fish debut of promising rookie Whittle (N).

Few would argue that this represented one of the most highly-skilled, and undoubtedly the tallest, Black Fish teams ever to take to the pine, and hopes were high for a favourable outcome in this pivotal clash with the second-ranked team.

Unfortunately for the Fish, 'the Vu' decided to institute a game plan of annoying zippy mosquito-like mincy-hand-slappy interception basketball, interspersed with a three-point shooting accuracy in excess of 80 percent. And for the SuperFish, this game plan was basketballing kryptonite.

By half time, the Fish were in trouble, the referees were angry, Noutz (C) had committed his inaugural unsportsmanlike foul (unwarranted), and the Vu were apparently breeding asexually like mogwai in a swimming pool. They were simply everywhere. It was creepy.

By the middle of the second half, the Fish were in deep trouble. Trailing by as much as 15 points, things looked grim for the crowd favourites. As expected, it was at this point that the Black Fish spirit prevailed and an inspirational fightback began. Whittle (N), who had begun to make telling inroads on the boards, suddenly lit up with some classy inside manoevres and a glorious long bomb. Meanwhile, Rodgers (N), Foreman (D), and Weeks (R) were beginning to exert their dominance, Noutz (C) launched a campaign of terror, and Edwards (S) and Whittle (S) provided metronomic end-to-end consistency.

With only minutes remaining, an unlikely victory suddenly looked possible. But alas, making up the last few points was proving a sisyphean task for the Fish. At which point God himself again proved which Marden Thursday night E-grade basketball team he supports - with the Black Fish down 56-59 and only a handful of seconds left on the clock a minor melee erupted courtesy of one of the countless little pricks that constitute the Deja Vu "mens'" team. A mostly disconsolate and disinterested Black Fish side was then surprised to see the little guys clear their bench of a host of diminutive, unusual-looking, ridiculous-puffy-jacket-wearing aspiring international reptile-smugglers. And that, dear reader, is a contravention of the rules. Enter the big, angry, antalgic-gaited MARS boss, who promptly, and correctly, disqualified the little macaques and awarded a deserving victory to the mighty mighty Black Fish.

What a night.

Next week is a bye and will see the Fish hit the gym for a week of intensive training in preparation for the final game of the minor round. Should the Fish win their final game they will be assured of a place in the finals series. Don't miss it.

Round 18: BF v Homebrand

Dedicated Black Fish fans have come to expect the very highest level of excitement from every BF v Homebrand encounter. Already this season the mighty Fish have recorded a one-point victory and a buzzer-beating 2-point victory against the likely minor premiers. And this match was no different.
Five Black Fish stalwarts, Noutz (C), Rodgers (N), Edwards (S), Whittle (S), and, fresh from his European 'training', 'Lucky Charm' Downing (K), took on a full-strength Homebrand side in a clash that kept the crowd in a perpetual state of excitement (nb: for 'crowd', read: 'Sam Rodgers' and for 'perpetual state of excitement', read: 'intermittent state of non-boredom').
After giving away an early lead, the Fish characteristically clawed their way back into the contest late in the first half, thanks mainly to the inside potency of Rodgers (N) and the flawless five-man 'Black Wall o' Death' defensive zone. Typically, the opposition displayed ironic gutlessness in exacting a 10-point penalty for an unfortunate case of 'recurrent hypolankanscoreria', but equally typically the Fish rose to the challenge. In a magnificently tenacious display from all five Black Fish, the boys seized a slender lead and were able to protect it in a frenetic final few seconds, thus recording a breathtaking 34-33 victory.
And so the dwindling stocks of active Fish keep their finals dreams alive, but will need to draw on all their reserves of skill, guts, turning-upness and courtside rajapaksiness in the final 2 matches of the minor round in order to ensure some September action.

Sunday, August 12, 2007

Round 17: BF v The Disgraced

The mighty Black Fish were tragically defeated 30-36.

The details of the match may have to be left to your imagination....

Sunday, August 5, 2007

Round 16: BF v Red Dwarfs ('Disaster Strikes')

A match that had shaped up as an exciting Court 1 shoot-out with the little red pricks turned into a nightmare for the entire Black Fish extended family.

After an otherwise innocuous first half, the highly-competitive Fish entered the second half with a reminder of their opponents' lack of nomimal irony fresh in their minds, the Red Nubbins having exacted a 10-point penalty for a rare BF scorer deficiency. Spurred on by this sad and pathetic behaviour, the Fish tried valiantly to eke out an unlikely victory.

But then disaster struck.

Without warning, the anterior cruciate ligament of Rodgers (A), its few remaining collagen fibres clinging on for dear life, finally rendered its impersonation of a Minneapolis bridge. This was one of the saddest chapters in Black Fish history, Rodgers limping to the bench with what appears to be a career-ending injury. No doubt tributes will flow in from members of the BF family all around the world as we all attempt to deal with the possibility of a foundation member of the club, and former premiership hero, finally joining the Black Fish immortals in retirement (actually, he will be our first retirement, so I suppose he is the inaugural immortal).

Anyway, a terrible tragedy.

As for the small red men? Well, they sportingly used the injury to enforce a full-court press on the remaining four Fish, thus streaking away with a shallow victory. All class.

And as for the Black Fish? Despite the 37-54 defeat, and the loss of one of their greats, they will push on towards finals glory.

Round 15: BF v Metal Slug

Your correspondent apologises for the long delay between match reports. But sans sincerity.

A grand total of four Fish managed to haul their sorry arses out onto court for the big match against the Slug, intent on extending their record-breaking winning streak. Unfortunately for the Black Fish, the Slug were equally intent on interrupting said streak, and managed to bring a full complement of players with them to boot.

Against all odds, the Fish competed magnificently, but could not prevent a streak-ending 28-34 defeat. But fear not, gentle fan, for the Black Fish finals juggernaut rolls on....

Monday, July 16, 2007

Round 14: BF v Spectrum

It would not be inaccurate to state that the mighty Black Fish harbour many a nemesis in MARSland; and time and again the fat clowns from Spectrum stake their claim as first amongst equals. The fact that the Fish have so shameless a record against these jokes weighs heavily on the minds of the great men who wear the Black with such pride.

And so it was that a nearly full-strength Fish team took to Court 2 with steely resolve, despite trailing Spectrum 230-231 in the chromosome count before the first jump. Unfortunately, steely resolve was insufficient to prevent the Spectrums from using their peculiar netball skills to leap out to a 9-zip lead.

It was at this point that the match-breaker, Foreman (D), entered the fray and blew the match apart, (literally) like a bowling ball through an array of garden-gnomes. Foreman's dominance, supported by an impressive cameo from Weeks (R), solid performances from the Rodgers boys, and a signature BF impregnable zone defence allowed the Fish to enter the second half in a strong position.

Many of the Spectra, despite advanced age, unfulfilled dreams, physical decrepitude, ill-advised facial hair, worrisome visceral adiposity and a variety of other undesirable characteristics, actually carry themselves with a certain wry humour and inexplicable good grace. But not all of them. It is perhaps of secondary importance whether tools are born or created; it is enough that they merely exist. And within Spectrum, exist they do.

One in particular, who shall go un-named (but who is pictured below, shortly before the match), distinguished himself above all others. A touch of on-court niggling - perhaps the very raison d'etre of men's E-grade basketball competitions - was enough to provoke one of the worst examples of nancy-arsed bitch-kicking ever visited upon an innocent opponent in the history of this fine competition. His actions, while fundamentally risible, would have been ACL-endangering had there been anything other than a rudimentary connection between his cerebral 'cortex' and his stubby excuse for a leg, and thus were rightly condemned by all present, including the massive BF support crew of Foreman (L), Edwards (K) and Rajapaksa (S). Content with his fine display of masculinity, "Sally" Spectrum eased his peculiar nicotine-patched rotund frame to the bench, never to return to the fray.

Your correspondent apologises for the self-indulgent rant that has displaced this week's match report, but has thoroughly enjoyed it.

Oh, and as for the remainder of the game?

The Black Fish dominated, of course. A magnificent 37-23 victory the reward for their travails, continuing an unbeaten run that dates back to the nail-biting tie with Metal Slug in Round 8. Next week's return clash with the slug promises to be one of the games of the season. Don't miss it.

Thursday, July 12, 2007

Round 13: Bye

According to tradition, the more industrious members of the team spent their week off creating new Black Fish (or cheerleaders).

(and we learned the real reason for BF23's chronic back pain).

Round 12: BF v Deja Vu

Another spectacular game may be summarised thus:

1. Deja Vu by any other name would still be a cob of munts (to coin an awkward spoonerism)

2. Gutless opposition take advantage of inexplicable courtside Rajapaksapenia and enforce 10-point penalty.

3. Fired-up Black Fish dominate second half to record breathtaking 37-36 victory.

4. Rodgers (A) turns in dominant MVP performance.

Friday, June 22, 2007

Round 11: BF v Homebrand

A strong seven-man Fish outfit took to court 2 for the big clash with league heavyweights, Homebrand, with memories of their one-point victory in Round 4 fresh in their minds.

An otherwise unspectacular match may be described as follows:

  • Black Fish gain ascendancy through hard work, solid defence and the offensive exploits of Foreman (D).
  • Referee with record-breaking diminutive genitalia and large party-pack of Samboys hovering above each acromion sets new MARS precedent for marshmallow-impersonation, actively discriminating against the upstanding citizens in Black, thereby sending the Fish into a technical foul-riddled tailspin late in the game.
  • Scores become level with less than 30 seconds on the clock.
  • Fish score on the buzzer to record a stirring 29-27 victory.
  • Referee can shove above result up his flabby arse.
The Fish have improved their record to 5-4-1 and are looking to establish themselves firmly in the top four, while taking things one week at a time.

Thursday, June 21, 2007

Round 10: BF v The Disgraced ("Fight Night")

On October 30, 1974, in the dark pre-dawn mist of Kinshasa, Zaire, an epic fight was staged between the brash young Muhammad Ali and the frightening Heavyweight Champion, George Foreman (later thought to be BF12's biological father). This was sport at its best. It was the 'Rumble in the Jungle'.

Who would have thought that just 11,915 days later, in the late-night chill of MARS stadium, another epic fight would erupt. And that (rather less successfully) it would come to be known as the 'Fracas at MARS'. Or perhaps the 'Melee at Marden'. Or the 'Brawl at the B'ball'. Or something.

In any event, the game began innocuously enough, with the Fish easing outing to a slender lead early before allowing the Disgrace back into the match. Things began to heat up early in the second half as the Fish began to exert more pressure on their pathetic opposition. It was at that point that Carrot's lieutenant-wanker, Fatty, finally caved in to the years of painfully-accurate gibes about his micro-penis, and bitch-slapped heroic BF point-guard Rodgers (A).

Enter Rodgers (N).....

And it was on. The teams decided to get it on, 'cos they don't get along. Several minutes of impressive pushing and shoving by the hard men of the Black Fish later, it was over. And the match was sensationally discontinued by MARS management, the personification of whom had dragged his last remaining molecules of articular cartilage into the fray, only to feel them expire under the weight of his haste (and waist), arriving in molecular purgatory only moments before the majority of his myocardium.

Fittingly, the basketball Gods smiled upon their chosen sons, awarding the game to the scoreboard leaders at the time of the stoush, thereby granting the Fish a mighty victory, 22-17.

The fight itself is difficult to describe, but several eyewitnesses reported it thus:

BF07 - "Super melee that. The details are less important than the lessons learnt :

1) Don't mess with the Rodgers boys
2) "The Disgraced" are not short of a tool. (Fatty = tool of the week; finally displaced Carrot)."

BF06 - "A gutless shirtfronting by one of the many fuckwits from the disgraced Disgraced led to a spirited Black Fish response (and a rather painful jaw,neck and head for me for the weekend) and sealed what would have otherwise been a rather clinical victory."

BF03 - "The Disgraced were angry that day my friends.
Towards the end of a generally unremarkable game which saw the Black Fish leading most of the the way, it happened; out of nowhere BF06 was maliciously "shirt-fronted" by a dirty, dirty player from the aptly-named opposition. Then it was on:
Angry words gave way to pushing, pushing turned into shoving, shoving graduated to wrestling with the occasional punch, then an almost all-in brouhaha ensued.
A tear came to this spectator's eye when big BF17 rushed in to save his little BF06 brother, and with this the melee was generally abandoned.
The game was subsequently cut short, but with the Mighty Black Fish ahead, we took the points victory along with the more important moral victory.
Disgraced indeed."

Undoubtedly a fine effort by the Fish, this may be the turning point that propels them towards finals glory. Watch out next week as they resume hostilities with Homobrand.

Monday, June 11, 2007

Round 9: BF v Red Dwarfs

A steely-faced quintet of Fish arrived on Court 2 for the early match against Red Dwarfs, intent on exacting revenge for the disappointing loss in Round 1. The Fish started uncharacteristically strongly, racing to an early lead before allowing the Dwarfs into the game in the latter part of the first half.

Things looked a little grim at the half, when in strode the surprise impact player in Noutz (C), who launched himself into the game almost immediately with some trademark heavy body work and absolute dominance on the boards at both ends of the court.

And it was upon extracting his first ever charging foul at the midpoint of the half that the game finally turned in the Fish's favour. From there, the starting five of Foreman (D), Edwards (S), Whittle (S), Weeks (R) and Rodgers (A) were able to extend their slender lead with a combination of intelligent play and end-to-end consistency that would have impressed future coach Neil Craig no end.

In the end it was an impressive 38-33 victory for the Fish, who have put their finals aspirations firmly back on track.

The post-match celebrations were muted by the temporary retirement of chief scorer and team stalwart Ly (H); fortunately the tragic season-ending spinal injury to Rajapaksa (S) will allow him to fill the scorer's role for the remainder of Winter season 2007 (wheelchair access permitting). Don't miss this week's big re-match with Carrot and his band of Dickheads.

Updated Fixture List

The remaining matches for season 2007 have been slightly altered due to the timely replacement of the East All-Fags with the strangely familiar Deja Vu. The fixture list has been updated.

Friday, June 1, 2007

Round 8: BF v Metal Slug

The early match on Court 2 saw the mighty Black Fish take on a team with an absurd name and a playing list whose mean Freak Quotient is almost preternaturally high, except in comparison with most other teams in Marden E grade (the Black Fish being the singular exception).

The welcome return of the Rodgers brothers and a stunning all-round display from Edwards (S) saw the Fish leap out to an imposing early lead before the mysterious lock-out of Rodgers (N) for the remainder of the first half allowed the slug to surge forwards to a large half-time lead.

But, as it states in the Bible, cometh the second half, cometh the Black Fish, and cometh they did. Sharp defensive focus from Downing, a dominant performance from Noutz (including an unexpectedly high scoring aggregate) and a workmanlike appearance by Whittle allowed star players Rodgers (N>A) and Edwards (S) to push the Fish towards an unlikely victory.

Sadly, having swept to a tenuous lead with moments remaining, a sloppy effort from an unnamed reigning Player of the Year allowed the Slug's very own "Not Michael" Jordan to squeeze in a solitary free throw, condemning the Fish to a heart-breaking tie 36-36.

The Fish must now dig deep in order to stay in the race for the finals. Surely they can look no further for inspiration than team stalwart and all-time high-scorer Ly (H), who made an impressive return to the court only days after her confinement.

Tuesday, May 29, 2007

Round 7: BF v Spectrum

There can be no doubt that Spectrum has become a nemesis for our great club. On repeated occasions the Black Fish have failed to take advantage of the fact that the Spectrum 'players' are fat, old, crippled, possibly retarded, and have no talent. Time and again this fine sporting organisation has found new ways to suffer excruciating losses to this pack of old garden gnomes.

And this week was no exception.

The details are simply too painful to record. Despite starting the game with five strapping young men full of vigour and youthful exuberance, the unfortunate Fish completed the match with only three bedraggled (and yet lion-hearted) despondent men, while the seething Noutz and Whittle looked on helplessly, still cursing their inexplicable foul count.

The Black Fish were again the moral victors, but sadly slipped to a heart-breaking defeat, 24-31. Expect them to be up and about for their big round 8 clash with the slug.

Round 6: Bye

The Black Fish took advantage of the opportunity to recover from niggling injuries, although it should be noted that the more industrious members of the team spent their week off making new Black Fish.

Sunday, May 13, 2007

Feral Dog

This has little (if any) relevance to the Black Fish, but have you ever seen a dog as feral as this?

Round 5: BF v East All Stars

After a season-long hiatus from their long history of simmering mutual dislike, the mighty Fish this week resumed hostilities with the repugnant East All Stars. A large contingent of fit players allowed the Fish to rest veterans Weeks, R and Rodgers, N in the lead-up to the first bye of the season. Rajapaksa tried to coax his timid ankle ligaments out from under the couch, only to see them scurry back, yelping wildly, at the first sign of daylight. Fear not, faithful fans, for they will return in two short weeks.

In brief, the game was a reprise of most of our other games against this mob: they jumped us early, we struggled with the demands of a full-court mosquito-onslaught, they became shorter, more irritating and more simian as the game progressed, and eventually a stirring, all-guts revival by the glorious Fish, inspired by a resurgent Foreman, was not quite enough to prevent a sad defeat 38-52.

Sadly, the unequalled defensive intensity from Nissen and Noutz, which, while denying the opposition numerous scoring opportunities, and resulting in 5 fouls each, handed precisely zero season-ending injuries to the little chimps. There's always next time, boys.

And so the the Fish head into the bye with their season on the line, but filled with a surfeit of Black Fish spirit.

And finally, we must acknowledge the temporary departure of BF 'Supporter of the Year 2006', and, numerically, the highest scorer in Black Fish history, the incomparable Ly, H, as she takes a hiatus in order to create new (and hopefully more skilful) Black Fish.

Friday, May 4, 2007

Round 4: BF v Homebrand

In a stunning first for the Black Fish, 10 Fish presented for duty in the wee small hours of May 3, 2007, 9 of whom had sufficiently heterosexual ankle ligaments in order to play. BF10 was so keen that he forsook his adopted western European nation and scrambled home in time to hit the pine with his comrades.

A fundamentally unattractive spectacle was rendered memorable by the exceptionally tight finish that saw the mighty Fish romp home by one point, 30-29.

With so many players present to bear witness to the event, it is only fitting that each player present his one-line summary of the game (in numerical order):

BF00 - "I hate doing these fucking match summaries"

BF03 - "A narrow victory, despite modest disorganisation through a superfluity of players, but a victory nonetheless"

BF06 - "We shat on them by one point"

BF07 - "A masterclass of unprecedented interchange rotation and tempo basketball saw the Fish cruise to a 1 point victory over Homebrand, giving their season some much needed momentum."

BF10 - "This week's game saw one of the most remarkable sporting comebacks in basketball history since the LA Lakers win in the 2000 Western Conference finals, with the Black Fish dominating all over the court after initially giving away an 8 point start, they secured a season-defining one-point victory thanks to outstanding contributions from all 9 BF members, leaving the homo-boys gobsmacked"

BF11 -
Never before has the fish been so black


tremble motherfuckers the blackfish are here to play


what? i violate your personal space? Well deal with it"

BF12 - "
Very pleasing win with valuable contributions from the entire Fish complement"

BF14 - "Sheer weight (of numbers) got us over the line"

BF17 - "The school of fish schooled the homobranders"

BF23 - "Is you a gay??"

Saturday, April 28, 2007

2006 Black Fish Annual Dinner

A full report of this magnificent occasion will follow in coming the meantime, visit the photos page to relive some of the excitement of this glittering nights of nights.

Friday, April 27, 2007

Fixtures Winter 2007

Round 1 (12/4/07) BF v Red Dwarfs
Round 2 (19/4/07) BF v Endo
Round 3 (26/4/07) BF v The Disgraced
Round 4 (3/5/07) BF v Homebrand 10:30pm
Round 5 (10/5/07) BF v East All Stars 9:00pm
Round 6 (17/5/07) BYE
Round 7 (24/5/07) BF v Spectrum 10:30pm
Round 8 (31/5/07) BF v Metal Slug 6:00pm
Round 9 (7/6/07) BF v Red Dwarfs 6:00pm
Round 10 (14/6/07) BF v The Disgraced 9:00pm
Round 11 (21/6/07) BF v Homebrand 9:45pm
Round 12 (28/6/07) BF v Deja Vu 10:30pm
Round 13 (5/7/07) BYE
Round 14 (12/7/07) BF v Spectrum 8:15pm
Round 15 (19/7/07) BF v Metal Slug 9:45pm
Round 16 (26/7/07) BF v Red Dwarfs 9:45pm
Round 17 (2/8/07) BF v The Disgraced 8:15pm
Round 18 (9/8/07) BF v Homebrand 6:00pm
Round 19 (16/8/07) BF v Deja Vu 6:45pm
Round 20 (23/8/07) BYE
Round 21 (30/8/07) BF v Spectrum 8:15pm
Semi-Finals 6/9/07
Grand Final 13/9/07

Winter Season Stats

Follow your favourite player's stats throughout the season on our Stats Page.

Round 3: BF v The Disgraced

The sad demise of the popular Aussie Bruddhas franchise forced an injury-riddled Black Fish side into a last minute finals re-match with traditional rivals and unrelenting wankers, The Disgraced.

Surprisingly, the super-fit man-specimen Carrot was sidelined with an undisclosed injury (heart muscle-related until proven otherwise), leaving a troupe of little Super Mario clones to face the might of five super-fish (00, 03, 06, 11 & 12).

From the first minute of the game, it was all Fish. The D-train sparked things off by niggling the referees and the opposition in a remarkable display of psychological warfare. Rodgers (A), continued his rich vein of form by repeatedly driving through traffic to the bucket. Downing produced perhaps his most impressive performance to date, exhibiting fierce defensive intensity and wearing a nasty gash on his face to boot (pictured). Whittle tried to match Magic Johnson's talent for assists while simultaneously avoiding his talent for acquiring unpleasant social diseases. And Noutz was at his barn-storming, opponent-stomping best as he absolutely dominated the boards.

The most complete team performance of this season resulted in the first win for the season, 44-32, and put the rest of the competition on notice that the mighty Black Fish are a force to be reckoned with in Winter Season 2007.

Round 2: BF v Endo

There was a palpable sense of anticipation amongst the large courtside contingent as the mighty Black Fish took to a dimly-lit Court 3 for their inaugural clash with traditional rivals Endo.

It soon became apparent that the newest team to ascend to the lofty heights of Marden E-grade would be no easybeats. Indeed, their twin towers dominated the boards against a Fish side that was fielding an uncharacteristically short and mobile team.

In the end, Rodgers (N)'s heroics were not quite enough to prevent a narrow 41-46 loss.

Despite the 0-2 start to the season, die-hard Fish supporters remain confident of a place in this season's finals series. Don't neglect to support the boys and revel in countless unnamed perks by purchasing your membership while stocks last!

Winter Season 2007 - Round 1: BF v Red Dwarfs

After a mixed finals series at the end of Summer Season 2006/07 that saw the Fish triumph in one of their finest ever moments against Carrot and his pathetic bunch of Disgraces, and add to their glassware collection despite a disappointing result that will be mentioned no further, the mighty mighty Black Fish returned for their start of their breakthrough season in a cracking encounter with the Red Dwarfs.

In keeping with this season's trend towards shorter match reports (any volunteer guest reporters are welcome to contact BF management), the match can be summarised thus:

  • Darren returns - fans are delighted, opposition are troubled by the disturbing aroma emanating from his index finger.

  • Five brave Fish play their hearts out against a powerful opponent.

  • Carl makes an early impression on the scoreboard.

  • A solid Fish performance is not enough to prevent a 33-48 loss.

Despite the loss, expectation are extremely high for a Black Fish unit brimming with confidence and pride, and anticipating the imminent return of star players Rajapaksa and Vasilunas.

Go you mighty Black Fish.

Thursday, April 19, 2007

Winter Season 2007

The Black Fish website is back with all the action in the most highly-anticipated season in Black Fish history.

Stay tuned in coming weeks as the match reports return, we look at Summer Season 06/07 in review, meet this season's new and returning players, and relive the majesty of the 2006 BF Annual Dinner.....