Saturday, January 22, 2011
2011 Tour Down Under
And so it came to pass that the cycling division of the mighty Black Fish set out to tackle the gruelling 135km pain-fest that was Stage IV of the 2011 TDU. After months of a monastic devotion to Dicky Spin, hills rides and depilation, the team - Sam W, Alex R, Sam E, Richard W and Finola D - was ready. The night before the ride was long. Each team member could only manage brief moments of sleep, before waking in a cold sweat, terrorized by visions of Checker Hill and strange premonitions of fat men with creepily-bandaged unilateral leg oedema hacking them down.
A warm and still morning greeted the warriors as they assembled under cover of darkness at Dicky's house o' pain. They were soon at the start line in Norwood, and ready for battle.
(A special thanks to former Australian batsman Dean Jones for coming out to see us on our way)
And so the race began....
As with any great adventure, the day brought many and varied tales; comedy, tragedy, heroism. Tales almost impossible to capture with words alone. So instead, we present a summary of the highlights and lowlights of a seminal day in Black Fish history. Lowlights first:
Lowlights:
- Finola's flat tyre at the 0.2 km mark
- The entire 8000-strong peloton vanishing into the distance, along with the support vans, police and ambulance, leaving the Black Fish in exactly last place
- The limitless procession of slow-riding idiots who found it acceptable to ride in the right lane so that all passing manoevres required a pact with the devil
- Aforementioned leg Oedema Man's singular effort to prevent at least three Fish from completing the Checker Hill climb
- All the other clowns who, like Oedema Man, sought to prevent any of the Fish from completing Checker Hill (which they have previously proven to be within their capabilities)
- Sam E and Alex R kissing some dirt on Checker Hill
- Sam W crashing into a stationary car in Mt Barker, leaving an attractive sunscreen-smear on the rear window
- Having "We Built This City" by Starship as an (inexplicable) earworm for the majority of the six-hour ride to Strathalbyn
- Other teams with hilarious 'pun' names (examples: "Diff'rent Spokes", "Mud, Sweat and Gears")
- Bizarre sub-zero temperatures at the Macclesfield refreshment station
- Sam E's wrong turn in the final kilometres (and subsequent heroic, but bonk-crippled attempt to rejoin the group)
- The traffic jam in Strathalbyn on the way home
Highlights:
- Finishing
- And not just finishing, but all Black Fish arriving in style, looking fresh (and still pretty), with no fractures or bleeding
- The glorious weather for almost all of the race
- Not being in outpatients
- Rejoining the peloton in Athelstone after giving it a 30-minute head start
- The super work by Katie E and Kate W to bring the heroes home
- Beer number 1
- Beers 2-5
- Richard and Kate's drunken lamb
So, while an additive analysis would have the lowlights outweighing the highlights, in a weighted analysis where "finishing" has a weighting of infinity, the highlights are the clear winners. A perfect day, and another chapter in the proud history of the mighty mighty Black Fish.
Monday, January 17, 2011
Black Fish are back!
There is a palpable sense of excitement surging through the internet, as the mighty Black Fish sporting club returns to cyberspace. Since the unfortunate demise of the on-court arm of the Black Fish Basketball Club, the members of this proud organization have battled the forces of geographic dispersion and next-generation-of-black-fish-creation in order to diversify the sports that will be dominated by Black Fish in the future.
From triathlon to tennis, the Fish have athletes dominating every sport (primarily sports beginning with a 't'). But the big news this week is that for the first time, the elite cycling division of the Black Fish will compete under the banner of Black Fish Cycling, in the Tour Down Under community challenge. Black Fish stalwarts Whittle, Rodgers, Edwards and Weeks will be joined by co-opted Fish Finola Dwyer as they tackle 135km of pain, including the potentially heart-breaking Checker Hill.
But, as everyone knows, the Fish have hearts forged from steel. And no hill has ever been a match for the mighty BF cycling division.
We stand at the dawn of a new epoch. The era of Black Fish Cycling. Stay tuned for updates.
(P.S. note that we appear to be on a 5-year cycle)
Thursday, May 1, 2008
Wednesday, January 30, 2008
BF00 wins prestigious internet award
Tributes are flowing in for Black Fish correspondent, BF00, following news that he has been awarded the coveted honour of "Web's Laziest Blogger". BF00 is said to have been surprised by the accolade, having expected to be nominated in the less prestigious "Web's Most Erratic Blogger" category.
A modest BF00 sought to pay tribute to his team-mates, whose contributions to match reports inspired him "to strive for hitherto unreachable strata of laziness".
BF00 was asked to write an account of the awards ceremony but said he "would do it later".
A modest BF00 sought to pay tribute to his team-mates, whose contributions to match reports inspired him "to strive for hitherto unreachable strata of laziness".
BF00 was asked to write an account of the awards ceremony but said he "would do it later".
Wednesday, November 28, 2007
D Grade Fixtures Summer 2007/8
Round 11 (29/11/07) BF v Deja Vu 9:00pm
Round 12 (6/12/07) BF v Metal Slug 9:45pm
Round 13 (13/12/07) BYE
Round 14 (3/1/08) BF v Eds Mavs Blue 6:45pm
Round 15 (10/1/08) BF v Muppets 10:30pm
Round 16 (17/1/08) BF v Old Reds 7:30pm
Round 17 (24/1/08) BF v All Stars 8:15pm
Round 18 (31/1/08) BF v Argy Bargy 7:30pm
Round 19 (7/2/08) BF v King George Whiting 9:00pm
Round 20 (14/2/08) BF v Deja Vu 7:30pm
Round 21 (21/2/08) BF v Metal Slug 7:30pm
Round 22 (28/2/08) BYE
Round 23 (6/3/08) BF v Eds Mavs Blue 10:30pm
Round 24 (13/3/08) BF v Muppets 6:00pm
Round 25 (20/3/08) BF v Old Reds 8:15pm
Semi Finals 27/3/08
Grand Final 3/4/08
P.S. If you're looking for a new roller-door for your garage, you must avoid "Doors N More", who are a bunch of clowns.
Round 12 (6/12/07) BF v Metal Slug 9:45pm
Round 13 (13/12/07) BYE
Round 14 (3/1/08) BF v Eds Mavs Blue 6:45pm
Round 15 (10/1/08) BF v Muppets 10:30pm
Round 16 (17/1/08) BF v Old Reds 7:30pm
Round 17 (24/1/08) BF v All Stars 8:15pm
Round 18 (31/1/08) BF v Argy Bargy 7:30pm
Round 19 (7/2/08) BF v King George Whiting 9:00pm
Round 20 (14/2/08) BF v Deja Vu 7:30pm
Round 21 (21/2/08) BF v Metal Slug 7:30pm
Round 22 (28/2/08) BYE
Round 23 (6/3/08) BF v Eds Mavs Blue 10:30pm
Round 24 (13/3/08) BF v Muppets 6:00pm
Round 25 (20/3/08) BF v Old Reds 8:15pm
Semi Finals 27/3/08
Grand Final 3/4/08
P.S. If you're looking for a new roller-door for your garage, you must avoid "Doors N More", who are a bunch of clowns.
Round 10: BF v King George Whiting ("Next stop, C Grade")
The mighty Black Fish faced a stern test in their first match in D grade, taking on ladder leaders and former traditional rivals, King George Whiting, in a blockbuster on Court 3.
As always, when challenged, the Fish rose magnificently. All 6 available Fish played exceptional basketball in one of the most skilful, gutsy, controlled and finely-judged matches ever seen at this fine club.
The Black Fish were in command early before sliding to a perilous deficit late in the first half. But then, led by an MVP performance by Whittle (N), the Fish inexorably reeled in and overhauled their more fancied opposition. The second half was an exercise in tempo and control as the Black Fish squeezed the life out of the White Fish.
In the end, a magnificent 41-33 victory sees the Black Fish dominate D grade.
Always bet on Black.
As always, when challenged, the Fish rose magnificently. All 6 available Fish played exceptional basketball in one of the most skilful, gutsy, controlled and finely-judged matches ever seen at this fine club.
The Black Fish were in command early before sliding to a perilous deficit late in the first half. But then, led by an MVP performance by Whittle (N), the Fish inexorably reeled in and overhauled their more fancied opposition. The second half was an exercise in tempo and control as the Black Fish squeezed the life out of the White Fish.
In the end, a magnificent 41-33 victory sees the Black Fish dominate D grade.
Always bet on Black.
Promotion!
For those who have watched the Black Fish at work on a Thursday night it would be hard to believe that there is any higher league than Marden Thursday Men's E Grade, but apparently there is (no, not the NBA).
As a result of their irresistible performances and string of stunning victories, the Fish have been promoted to D Grade, effective immediately. The Fish will bring their existing premiership points with them and are thus expected to shoot straight to the top of the D Grade ladder.
The inexorable march to world domination continues....
As a result of their irresistible performances and string of stunning victories, the Fish have been promoted to D Grade, effective immediately. The Fish will bring their existing premiership points with them and are thus expected to shoot straight to the top of the D Grade ladder.
The inexorable march to world domination continues....
Round 9: BF v Homebrand
In a very strange game, a full-strength Black Fish side took on ancient foes Homebrand on Court 3. The game was characterised by a number of unusual occurrences many of which took place at the scorers' bench.
To summarise:
1. Black Fish play inexplicably poor basketball.
2. Referee (pictured below with hand raised) even less explicably ejects Homebrand player from the stadium for having the temerity to possess a normal body habitus.
3. Black Fish mount rousing late recovery but narrowly fail to overhaul the opposition.
4. Scoring 'error' leads to famous BF victory, 40-39.
Strange game. Nice result.
To summarise:
1. Black Fish play inexplicably poor basketball.
2. Referee (pictured below with hand raised) even less explicably ejects Homebrand player from the stadium for having the temerity to possess a normal body habitus.
3. Black Fish mount rousing late recovery but narrowly fail to overhaul the opposition.
4. Scoring 'error' leads to famous BF victory, 40-39.
Strange game. Nice result.
Friday, November 16, 2007
Tuesday, November 13, 2007
Boston Celtics v Denver Nuggets
In accordance with the long-standing exchange programme between the Black Fish and the Boston Celtics, 2006 BF Player of the Year Whittle (S) was invited to attend the highly-anticipated clash between the new-look Celtics and the Allen Iverson-led Denver Nuggets at Boston Garden on November 7.
BF00 at the Celtics benchThe Celtics, clearly inspired by the presence of BF00, jumped out to an early lead and never looked back. Captain Paul Pierce dominated the first half but it was the sheer class of Kevin Garnett and the hustle of cult-hero Brian Scalabrine that resulted in a thumping 119-93 victory to the Celtics.
The Celtics, who now lead the Eastern Conference with a 5-0 record, attribute their stunning rise from bottom of the Atlantic conference last season to the inspirational form of the Black Fish, who also sit atop the league with a 6-1 record.
Negotiations are now in place to recruit some of the Celtics Cheerleaders to bolster the support at Marden Garden.
The Celtics, who now lead the Eastern Conference with a 5-0 record, attribute their stunning rise from bottom of the Atlantic conference last season to the inspirational form of the Black Fish, who also sit atop the league with a 6-1 record.
Negotiations are now in place to recruit some of the Celtics Cheerleaders to bolster the support at Marden Garden.
Sunday, November 4, 2007
Round 7: BF v CJs
A magnificent Black Fish side put together one of their finest all-round performances in destroying traditional rivals CJs 42-21.
The Black Fish now reign supreme atop the premiership ladder.
A full match report will follow when your correspondent returns from his guest appearance with the Boston Celtics.
The Black Fish now reign supreme atop the premiership ladder.
A full match report will follow when your correspondent returns from his guest appearance with the Boston Celtics.
Sunday, October 28, 2007
Round 6: BF v Not Quite Allstars
Many Black Fish fans were curious, and a little anxious, ahead of this week's key clash with traditional rivals Not Quite Allstars, as the league newcomers entered Round 6 atop the E-grade ladder.
It appears, however, that their team name was excessively flattering. A more accurate moniker may have been 'Very Fucking Far From Allstars'.
Future BF000, Maxwell L "The Delivery" Van Whittle made his first appearance courtside to watch an almost full-strength Black Fish side (missing only Winter 2007 'matchwinner' Downing) completely take apart the Allstars.
In a complete performance, Rodgers (N), Whittle (N), and Noutz (C) provided an impenetrable wall down low, Edwards (S), Foreman (D) and Whittle (S) operated perfectly in their swing roles and Weeks (R) dominated at the point. A complete team performance that resulted in an impressive 46-23 victory, and added further momentum to the Black Fish premiership juggernaut.
It appears, however, that their team name was excessively flattering. A more accurate moniker may have been 'Very Fucking Far From Allstars'.
Future BF000, Maxwell L "The Delivery" Van Whittle made his first appearance courtside to watch an almost full-strength Black Fish side (missing only Winter 2007 'matchwinner' Downing) completely take apart the Allstars.
In a complete performance, Rodgers (N), Whittle (N), and Noutz (C) provided an impenetrable wall down low, Edwards (S), Foreman (D) and Whittle (S) operated perfectly in their swing roles and Weeks (R) dominated at the point. A complete team performance that resulted in an impressive 46-23 victory, and added further momentum to the Black Fish premiership juggernaut.
Round 5: BF v Spectrum
It would not be inaccurate to state that even iodine-deficient Bhutanese children are aware that the sad old jokes from Spectrum are amongst the lowest-quality men on Earth. It's not about their heads (horrid though they are), or their well-documented struggle against the modern scourge of morbid obesity, or their curious penchant for poorly-executed look-away passes, or their creaky lower-limb articulations, or even their choice in facial hair.
It's simply that they are small men. And, as if to demonstrate an inverse correlation between manliness and chromosome count, it is the slightly-inaccurately numbered 42 who is the smallest of them all.
It would be excessively wearisome to recount all of his behaviours (his humorous description of BF07 as a beyatch notwithstanding). One might simply remind him of Jebediah Springfield's immortal aphorism "A noble spirit embiggens the smallest man".
In any event, a dominant Black Fish side utterly dominated the contest, eventually winning 55-31 despite a cowardly 10-point scorer penalty. Surely it was a sad late-night ride home in the Minda bus.
It's simply that they are small men. And, as if to demonstrate an inverse correlation between manliness and chromosome count, it is the slightly-inaccurately numbered 42 who is the smallest of them all.
It would be excessively wearisome to recount all of his behaviours (his humorous description of BF07 as a beyatch notwithstanding). One might simply remind him of Jebediah Springfield's immortal aphorism "A noble spirit embiggens the smallest man".
In any event, a dominant Black Fish side utterly dominated the contest, eventually winning 55-31 despite a cowardly 10-point scorer penalty. Surely it was a sad late-night ride home in the Minda bus.
Round 3: BF v Metal Slug
Immediately following this game Metal Slug was promoted to D grade.
Strange, then, that the Black Fish effortlessly flogged them 46-37.
Strange, then, that the Black Fish effortlessly flogged them 46-37.
Round 2: BF v Homebrand
Some observers believe that Homebrand aren't a bad bunch of blokes; their behaviour in Round 2 sadly proves the opposite. In an act that proves what small men they really are, the Homobrands chose to take the cowardly path of exacting a 10-point scorer penalty from a depleted Fish outfit.
And so it was that a hard-fought victory for the Fish was translated to a disappointing 41-44 loss in the official records.
And so it was that a hard-fought victory for the Fish was translated to a disappointing 41-44 loss in the official records.
Round 1: BF v The Disgraced
There is no more satisfying way to kick off the season than with a victory over Carrot and his mob of angry young men.
And so it came to pass. A magnificent victory to the Black Fish 31-29. The perfect start to the 2007/8 Summer season.
And so it came to pass. A magnificent victory to the Black Fish 31-29. The perfect start to the 2007/8 Summer season.
Fixtures Summer 2007/8
Round 1 (20/9/07) BF v The Disgraced
Round 2 (27/9/07) BF v Homebrand
Round 3 (4/10/07) BF v Metal Slug
Round 4 (11/10/07) BYE
Round 5 (18/10/07) BF v Spectrum
Round 6 (25/10/07) BF v Not Quite Allstars
Round 7 (1/11/07) BF v CJs 6:45pm
Round 8 (8/11/07) BF v The Disgraced 7:30pm
Round 9 (15/11/07) BF v Homebrand 9:45pm
Round 10 (22/11/07) BF v Air Supreme 9:00pm
Round 11 (29/11/07) BYE
Round 12 (6/12/07) BF v Spectrum 10:30pm
Round 13 (13/12/07) BF v Not Quite Allstars 6:00pm
Round 14 (3/1/08) BF v CJs 9:45pm
Round 15 (10/1/08) BF v The Disgraced 6:45pm
Round 16 (17/1/08) BF v Homebrand 6:00pm
Round 17 (24/1/08) BF v Air Supreme 9:00pm
Round 18 (31/1/08) BYE
Round 19 (7/2/08) BF v Spectrum 10:30pm
Round 20 (14/2/08) BF v Not Quite Allstars 8:15pm
Semi Finals 21/2/08
Grand Final 28/2/08
Round 2 (27/9/07) BF v Homebrand
Round 3 (4/10/07) BF v Metal Slug
Round 4 (11/10/07) BYE
Round 5 (18/10/07) BF v Spectrum
Round 6 (25/10/07) BF v Not Quite Allstars
Round 7 (1/11/07) BF v CJs 6:45pm
Round 8 (8/11/07) BF v The Disgraced 7:30pm
Round 9 (15/11/07) BF v Homebrand 9:45pm
Round 10 (22/11/07) BF v Air Supreme 9:00pm
Round 11 (29/11/07) BYE
Round 12 (6/12/07) BF v Spectrum 10:30pm
Round 13 (13/12/07) BF v Not Quite Allstars 6:00pm
Round 14 (3/1/08) BF v CJs 9:45pm
Round 15 (10/1/08) BF v The Disgraced 6:45pm
Round 16 (17/1/08) BF v Homebrand 6:00pm
Round 17 (24/1/08) BF v Air Supreme 9:00pm
Round 18 (31/1/08) BYE
Round 19 (7/2/08) BF v Spectrum 10:30pm
Round 20 (14/2/08) BF v Not Quite Allstars 8:15pm
Semi Finals 21/2/08
Grand Final 28/2/08
Semi Final: BF v Deja Vu
It had been a long time between finals for the countless die-hard Black Fish fans and expectations ran high.
Let the record state that the boys played their hearts out, but, despite a stirring second-half comeback, sadly fell just short of a magnificent upset victory, eventually succumbing by the narrow margin of 50-54 to eventual premiers Deja Vu.
Despite the heartbreak of the loss, most pundits would agree that winter season 2007 was a success for this mighty club, and will serve as a sound platform for a future tilt at premiership glory.
Let the record state that the boys played their hearts out, but, despite a stirring second-half comeback, sadly fell just short of a magnificent upset victory, eventually succumbing by the narrow margin of 50-54 to eventual premiers Deja Vu.
Despite the heartbreak of the loss, most pundits would agree that winter season 2007 was a success for this mighty club, and will serve as a sound platform for a future tilt at premiership glory.
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