Round 1: BF v The Disgraced

There is no more satisfying way to kick off the season than with a victory over Carrot and his mob of angry young men.

And so it came to pass. A magnificent victory to the Black Fish 31-29. The perfect start to the 2007/8 Summer season.

Fixtures Summer 2007/8

Round 1 (20/9/07) BF v The Disgraced
Round 2 (27/9/07) BF v Homebrand
Round 3 (4/10/07) BF v Metal Slug
Round 4 (11/10/07) BYE
Round 5 (18/10/07) BF v Spectrum
Round 6 (25/10/07) BF v Not Quite Allstars
Round 7 (1/11/07) BF v CJs 6:45pm
Round 8 (8/11/07) BF v The Disgraced 7:30pm
Round 9 (15/11/07) BF v Homebrand 9:45pm
Round 10 (22/11/07) BF v Air Supreme 9:00pm
Round 11 (29/11/07) BYE
Round 12 (6/12/07) BF v Spectrum 10:30pm
Round 13 (13/12/07) BF v Not Quite Allstars 6:00pm
Round 14 (3/1/08) BF v CJs 9:45pm
Round 15 (10/1/08) BF v The Disgraced 6:45pm
Round 16 (17/1/08) BF v Homebrand 6:00pm
Round 17 (24/1/08) BF v Air Supreme 9:00pm
Round 18 (31/1/08) BYE
Round 19 (7/2/08) BF v Spectrum 10:30pm
Round 20 (14/2/08) BF v Not Quite Allstars 8:15pm
Semi Finals 21/2/08
Grand Final 28/2/08

Semi Final: BF v Deja Vu

It had been a long time between finals for the countless die-hard Black Fish fans and expectations ran high.

Let the record state that the boys played their hearts out, but, despite a stirring second-half comeback, sadly fell just short of a magnificent upset victory, eventually succumbing by the narrow margin of 50-54 to eventual premiers Deja Vu.

Despite the heartbreak of the loss, most pundits would agree that winter season 2007 was a success for this mighty club, and will serve as a sound platform for a future tilt at premiership glory.

Finals

The Black Fish will meet Deja Vu in a massive semi-final at 9:00pm on Thursday 6th September on court three.

Minor Round Statistics

As the Fish prepare for some September action, it is an opportune time to look at some of the stats that have emerged from Winter Season 2007:

Win:loss - 10-7-1

Average winning margin (95% CI) - 6.89 points (1.4, 12.4)

Average losing margin - 9.13 points (4.7, 13.6)

Highest winning margin - 21 points (Round 21 - Spectrum)

Highest losing margin - 17 points (Round 16 - Red Dwarfs)

A logistic regression analysis was performed to examine factors predictive of a Black Fish victory. All 17 games in which a win or loss was recorded were included in the analysis. Following univariate analysis, a multivariate model was constructed using backwards elimination. Some interesting results were obtained:

1. Despite the Fish winning 5 of their 6 games played on court 2, there was no statistical relationship between the court and the odds of winning (p=0.248, Fisher's exact).

2. The Fish played 10 matches without a player on the bench, winning only 4 of these games. In contrast, they won 6 of the 7 games in which more than 5 players were available. Therefore, the odds of a victory were 9 times higher when an interchange player was available. This relationship was not statistically significant, however (p=0.082, Fisher's exact).

3. The presence of powerhouse forward Rodgers (N) increased the odds of victory by 33%, however this also failed to reach statistical significance (p=0.581, Fisher's exact).

4. The multivariate model revealed only one statistically significant predictive factor, after accounting for all other predictor variables. And the result may come as a surprise to some (but perhaps not to all). The presence of utility Downing (K), significantly increased the odds of a Black Fish victory when all other predictors were taken into account. KD increased the odds of victory tenfold (!), 95% CI (1.05, 95.5), p=0.045.

Make of that what you will.

Round 21: BF v Spectrum ("Dunk Night")

A makeshift Black Fish side strode onto court 1 for the final minor round game with a place in the finals all but assured. Complacency, however, was far from their collective consciousness, thanks to their inherent Black Fish pride, their disdain for their gnomesque opponents, and their desire to run into the finals on a three-match winning streak.

While the game was far from a spectacle, and the result was beyond doubt early in the first half, there were several notable aspects to the match:

1. The impressive debut by little-known journeyman Baum (D).

2. The absence of Spectrum's pathetic, bitch-kicking, patch-wearing trisomy chimera (omitted due to a courage deficiency).

3. A scoring spree by Downing (K) [2 points].

4. The sublime mid-range shooting of Weeks (R).

5. The Fish's greatest winning margin of the season.

6. And most notably, the total dominance of the game by spectacular new recruit Whittle (N), who helped himself to a commanding 23 points before sealing the deal in spectacular style with a first in 14 years of Black Fish history - a stunning end-to-end run on the fast break culminating in a massive slam dunk. An act that spoke clearly in a language all its own: 'take that, you fat bunch of cripples'. Special stuff, that.

And so, with a comfortable 47-26 win under their belts, the Fish prepare to enter their first ever finals campaign at MARS. Having beaten every other team in the top four at least once this season the Fish enter the finals with a great deal of confidence. Stay tuned early next week for the announcement of the game time and the Fish's semi-final opponent.

Go you mighty Black Fish!

Round 20: Bye

The entire Black Fish squad spent the week not writing a match report.

Round 19: BF v Deja Vu

Some teams one simply dislikes (see The Disgraced). And other teams are such a deplorable melange of Monchhichi outcasts that one can barely muster the psychic energy to register an emotion other than the vaguely disinterested, lip-curling kind of subconscious revulsion that wells up upon stepping in a fetid pile of dog excrement.

Or so it is for me anyway.

And with this thought fresh in their minds, the mighty Black Fish took to court three for the pivotal encounter with the little chimps. A fine Fish unit it was too, bolstered by the timely return of Weeks (R) and Foreman (D), the eagerly-anticipated re-warming of the scorer's chair by the slender buttocks of Rajapaksa (S), the incomparable courtside stylings of Foreman (L) and Rodgers (S) - who, it must be added, is putting in a strong effort for Supporter-of-the-Year honours in 2007 - and the spectacular Black Fish debut of promising rookie Whittle (N).

Few would argue that this represented one of the most highly-skilled, and undoubtedly the tallest, Black Fish teams ever to take to the pine, and hopes were high for a favourable outcome in this pivotal clash with the second-ranked team.

Unfortunately for the Fish, 'the Vu' decided to institute a game plan of annoying zippy mosquito-like mincy-hand-slappy interception basketball, interspersed with a three-point shooting accuracy in excess of 80 percent. And for the SuperFish, this game plan was basketballing kryptonite.

By half time, the Fish were in trouble, the referees were angry, Noutz (C) had committed his inaugural unsportsmanlike foul (unwarranted), and the Vu were apparently breeding asexually like mogwai in a swimming pool. They were simply everywhere. It was creepy.

By the middle of the second half, the Fish were in deep trouble. Trailing by as much as 15 points, things looked grim for the crowd favourites. As expected, it was at this point that the Black Fish spirit prevailed and an inspirational fightback began. Whittle (N), who had begun to make telling inroads on the boards, suddenly lit up with some classy inside manoevres and a glorious long bomb. Meanwhile, Rodgers (N), Foreman (D), and Weeks (R) were beginning to exert their dominance, Noutz (C) launched a campaign of terror, and Edwards (S) and Whittle (S) provided metronomic end-to-end consistency.

With only minutes remaining, an unlikely victory suddenly looked possible. But alas, making up the last few points was proving a sisyphean task for the Fish. At which point God himself again proved which Marden Thursday night E-grade basketball team he supports - with the Black Fish down 56-59 and only a handful of seconds left on the clock a minor melee erupted courtesy of one of the countless little pricks that constitute the Deja Vu "mens'" team. A mostly disconsolate and disinterested Black Fish side was then surprised to see the little guys clear their bench of a host of diminutive, unusual-looking, ridiculous-puffy-jacket-wearing aspiring international reptile-smugglers. And that, dear reader, is a contravention of the rules. Enter the big, angry, antalgic-gaited MARS boss, who promptly, and correctly, disqualified the little macaques and awarded a deserving victory to the mighty mighty Black Fish.

What a night.

Next week is a bye and will see the Fish hit the gym for a week of intensive training in preparation for the final game of the minor round. Should the Fish win their final game they will be assured of a place in the finals series. Don't miss it.

Round 18: BF v Homebrand

Dedicated Black Fish fans have come to expect the very highest level of excitement from every BF v Homebrand encounter. Already this season the mighty Fish have recorded a one-point victory and a buzzer-beating 2-point victory against the likely minor premiers. And this match was no different.

Five Black Fish stalwarts, Noutz (C), Rodgers (N), Edwards (S), Whittle (S), and, fresh from his European 'training', 'Lucky Charm' Downing (K), took on a full-strength Homebrand side in a clash that kept the crowd in a perpetual state of excitement (nb: for 'crowd', read: 'Sam Rodgers' and for 'perpetual state of excitement', read: 'intermittent state of non-boredom').

After giving away an early lead, the Fish characteristically clawed their way back into the contest late in the first half, thanks mainly to the inside potency of Rodgers (N) and the flawless five-man 'Black Wall o' Death' defensive zone. Typically, the opposition displayed ironic gutlessness in exacting a 10-point penalty for an unfortunate case of 'recurrent hypolankanscoreria', but equally typically the Fish rose to the challenge. In a magnificently tenacious display from all five Black Fish, the boys seized a slender lead and were able to protect it in a frenetic final few seconds, thus recording a breathtaking 34-33 victory.

And so the dwindling stocks of active Fish keep their finals dreams alive, but will need to draw on all their reserves of skill, guts, turning-upness and courtside rajapaksiness in the final 2 matches of the minor round in order to ensure some September action.

Round 17: BF v The Disgraced

The mighty Black Fish were tragically defeated 30-36.

The details of the match may have to be left to your imagination....

Round 16: BF v Red Dwarfs ('Disaster Strikes')

A match that had shaped up as an exciting Court 1 shoot-out with the little red pricks turned into a nightmare for the entire Black Fish extended family.

After an otherwise innocuous first half, the highly-competitive Fish entered the second half with a reminder of their opponents' lack of nomimal irony fresh in their minds, the Red Nubbins having exacted a 10-point penalty for a rare BF scorer deficiency. Spurred on by this sad and pathetic behaviour, the Fish tried valiantly to eke out an unlikely victory.

But then disaster struck.

Without warning, the anterior cruciate ligament of Rodgers (A), its few remaining collagen fibres clinging on for dear life, finally rendered its impersonation of a Minneapolis bridge. This was one of the saddest chapters in Black Fish history, Rodgers limping to the bench with what appears to be a career-ending injury. No doubt tributes will flow in from members of the BF family all around the world as we all attempt to deal with the possibility of a foundation member of the club, and former premiership hero, finally joining the Black Fish immortals in retirement (actually, he will be our first retirement, so I suppose he is the inaugural immortal).

Anyway, a terrible tragedy.

As for the small red men? Well, they sportingly used the injury to enforce a full-court press on the remaining four Fish, thus streaking away with a shallow victory. All class.

And as for the Black Fish? Despite the 37-54 defeat, and the loss of one of their greats, they will push on towards finals glory.

Round 15: BF v Metal Slug

Your correspondent apologises for the long delay between match reports. But sans sincerity.

A grand total of four Fish managed to haul their sorry arses out onto court for the big match against the Slug, intent on extending their record-breaking winning streak. Unfortunately for the Black Fish, the Slug were equally intent on interrupting said streak, and managed to bring a full complement of players with them to boot.

Against all odds, the Fish competed magnificently, but could not prevent a streak-ending 28-34 defeat. But fear not, gentle fan, for the Black Fish finals juggernaut rolls on....

Round 14: BF v Spectrum

It would not be inaccurate to state that the mighty Black Fish harbour many a nemesis in MARSland; and time and again the fat clowns from Spectrum stake their claim as first amongst equals. The fact that the Fish have so shameless a record against these jokes weighs heavily on the minds of the great men who wear the Black with such pride.

And so it was that a nearly full-strength Fish team took to Court 2 with steely resolve, despite trailing Spectrum 230-231 in the chromosome count before the first jump. Unfortunately, steely resolve was insufficient to prevent the Spectrums from using their peculiar netball skills to leap out to a 9-zip lead.

It was at this point that the match-breaker, Foreman (D), entered the fray and blew the match apart, (literally) like a bowling ball through an array of garden-gnomes. Foreman's dominance, supported by an impressive cameo from Weeks (R), solid performances from the Rodgers boys, and a signature BF impregnable zone defence allowed the Fish to enter the second half in a strong position.

Many of the Spectra, despite advanced age, unfulfilled dreams, physical decrepitude, ill-advised facial hair, worrisome visceral adiposity and a variety of other undesirable characteristics, actually carry themselves with a certain wry humour and inexplicable good grace. But not all of them. It is perhaps of secondary importance whether tools are born or created; it is enough that they merely exist. And within Spectrum, exist they do.

One in particular, who shall go un-named (but who is pictured below, shortly before the match), distinguished himself above all others. A touch of on-court niggling - perhaps the very raison d'etre of men's E-grade basketball competitions - was enough to provoke one of the worst examples of nancy-arsed bitch-kicking ever visited upon an innocent opponent in the history of this fine competition. His actions, while fundamentally risible, would have been ACL-endangering had there been anything other than a rudimentary connection between his cerebral 'cortex' and his stubby excuse for a leg, and thus were rightly condemned by all present, including the massive BF support crew of Foreman (L), Edwards (K) and Rajapaksa (S). Content with his fine display of masculinity, "Sally" Spectrum eased his peculiar nicotine-patched rotund frame to the bench, never to return to the fray.


Your correspondent apologises for the self-indulgent rant that has displaced this week's match report, but has thoroughly enjoyed it.

Oh, and as for the remainder of the game?

The Black Fish dominated, of course. A magnificent 37-23 victory the reward for their travails, continuing an unbeaten run that dates back to the nail-biting tie with Metal Slug in Round 8. Next week's return clash with the slug promises to be one of the games of the season. Don't miss it.

Round 13: Bye

According to tradition, the more industrious members of the team spent their week off creating new Black Fish (or cheerleaders).

(and we learned the real reason for BF23's chronic back pain).

Round 12: BF v Deja Vu

Another spectacular game may be summarised thus:

1. Deja Vu by any other name would still be a cob of munts (to coin an awkward spoonerism)

2. Gutless opposition take advantage of inexplicable courtside Rajapaksapenia and enforce 10-point penalty.

3. Fired-up Black Fish dominate second half to record breathtaking 37-36 victory.

4. Rodgers (A) turns in dominant MVP performance.

Round 11: BF v Homebrand

A strong seven-man Fish outfit took to court 2 for the big clash with league heavyweights, Homebrand, with memories of their one-point victory in Round 4 fresh in their minds.

An otherwise unspectacular match may be described as follows:

• Black Fish gain ascendancy through hard work, solid defence and the offensive exploits of Foreman (D).
• Referee with record-breaking diminutive genitalia and large party-pack of Samboys hovering above each acromion sets new MARS precedent for marshmallow-impersonation, actively discriminating against the upstanding citizens in Black, thereby sending the Fish into a technical foul-riddled tailspin late in the game.
• Scores become level with less than 30 seconds on the clock.
• Fish score on the buzzer to record a stirring 29-27 victory.
• Referee can shove above result up his flabby arse.

The Fish have improved their record to 5-4-1 and are looking to establish themselves firmly in the top four, while taking things one week at a time.

Round 10: BF v The Disgraced ("Fight Night")

On October 30, 1974, in the dark pre-dawn mist of Kinshasa, Zaire, an epic fight was staged between the brash young Muhammad Ali and the frightening Heavyweight Champion, George Foreman (later thought to be BF12's biological father). This was sport at its best. It was the 'Rumble in the Jungle'.

Who would have thought that just 11,915 days later, in the late-night chill of MARS stadium, another epic fight would erupt. And that (rather less successfully) it would come to be known as the 'Fracas at MARS'. Or perhaps the 'Melee at Marden'. Or the 'Brawl at the B'ball'. Or something.

In any event, the game began innocuously enough, with the Fish easing outing to a slender lead early before allowing the Disgrace back into the match. Things began to heat up early in the second half as the Fish began to exert more pressure on their pathetic opposition. It was at that point that Carrot's lieutenant-wanker, Fatty, finally caved in to the years of painfully-accurate gibes about his micro-penis, and bitch-slapped heroic BF point-guard Rodgers (A).

Enter Rodgers (N).....

And it was on. The teams decided to get it on, 'cos they don't get along. Several minutes of impressive pushing and shoving by the hard men of the Black Fish later, it was over. And the match was sensationally discontinued by MARS management, the personification of whom had dragged his last remaining molecules of articular cartilage into the fray, only to feel them expire under the weight of his haste (and waist), arriving in molecular purgatory only moments before the majority of his myocardium.

Fittingly, the basketball Gods smiled upon their chosen sons, awarding the game to the scoreboard leaders at the time of the stoush, thereby granting the Fish a mighty victory, 22-17.

The fight itself is difficult to describe, but several eyewitnesses reported it thus:

BF07 - "Super melee that. The details are less important than the lessons learnt :

1) Don't mess with the Rodgers boys
2) "The Disgraced" are not short of a tool. (Fatty = tool of the week; finally displaced Carrot)."

BF06 - "A gutless shirtfronting by one of the many fuckwits from the disgraced Disgraced led to a spirited Black Fish response (and a rather painful jaw,neck and head for me for the weekend) and sealed what would have otherwise been a rather clinical victory."

BF03 - "The Disgraced were angry that day my friends.

Towards the end of a generally unremarkable game which saw the Black Fish leading most of the the way, it happened; out of nowhere BF06 was maliciously "shirt-fronted" by a dirty, dirty player from the aptly-named opposition. Then it was on:

Angry words gave way to pushing, pushing turned into shoving, shoving graduated to wrestling with the occasional punch, then an almost all-in brouhaha ensued.

A tear came to this spectator's eye when big BF17 rushed in to save his little BF06 brother, and with this the melee was generally abandoned.

The game was subsequently cut short, but with the Mighty Black Fish ahead, we took the points victory along with the more important moral victory.

Disgraced indeed."

Undoubtedly a fine effort by the Fish, this may be the turning point that propels them towards finals glory. Watch out next week as they resume hostilities with Homobrand.

Round 9: BF v Red Dwarfs

A steely-faced quintet of Fish arrived on Court 2 for the early match against Red Dwarfs, intent on exacting revenge for the disappointing loss in Round 1. The Fish started uncharacteristically strongly, racing to an early lead before allowing the Dwarfs into the game in the latter part of the first half.

Things looked a little grim at the half, when in strode the surprise impact player in Noutz (C), who launched himself into the game almost immediately with some trademark heavy body work and absolute dominance on the boards at both ends of the court.

And it was upon extracting his first ever charging foul at the midpoint of the half that the game finally turned in the Fish's favour. From there, the starting five of Foreman (D), Edwards (S), Whittle (S), Weeks (R) and Rodgers (A) were able to extend their slender lead with a combination of intelligent play and end-to-end consistency that would have impressed future coach Neil Craig no end.

In the end it was an impressive 38-33 victory for the Fish, who have put their finals aspirations firmly back on track.

The post-match celebrations were muted by the temporary retirement of chief scorer and team stalwart Ly (H); fortunately the tragic season-ending spinal injury to Rajapaksa (S) will allow him to fill the scorer's role for the remainder of Winter season 2007 (wheelchair access permitting). Don't miss this week's big re-match with Carrot and his band of Dickheads.

Updated Fixture List

The remaining matches for season 2007 have been slightly altered due to the timely replacement of the East All-Fags with the strangely familiar Deja Vu. The fixture list has been updated.

Round 8: BF v Metal Slug

The early match on Court 2 saw the mighty Black Fish take on a team with an absurd name and a playing list whose mean Freak Quotient is almost preternaturally high, except in comparison with most other teams in Marden E grade (the Black Fish being the singular exception).

The welcome return of the Rodgers brothers and a stunning all-round display from Edwards (S) saw the Fish leap out to an imposing early lead before the mysterious lock-out of Rodgers (N) for the remainder of the first half allowed the slug to surge forwards to a large half-time lead.

But, as it states in the Bible, cometh the second half, cometh the Black Fish, and cometh they did. Sharp defensive focus from Downing, a dominant performance from Noutz (including an unexpectedly high scoring aggregate) and a workmanlike appearance by Whittle allowed star players Rodgers (N>A) and Edwards (S) to push the Fish towards an unlikely victory.

Sadly, having swept to a tenuous lead with moments remaining, a sloppy effort from an unnamed reigning Player of the Year allowed the Slug's very own "Not Michael" Jordan to squeeze in a solitary free throw, condemning the Fish to a heart-breaking tie 36-36.

The Fish must now dig deep in order to stay in the race for the finals. Surely they can look no further for inspiration than team stalwart and all-time high-scorer Ly (H), who made an impressive return to the court only days after her confinement.