Black Fish and l'Enfer du Nord

Question: 

What do you get when you combine:

  

The Black Fish Elite Cycling Squad    

Cycling Legend Stuart O'Grady

Former Special Forces operative Marty Edwards and his family 

World's wealthiest man, Claud Altin

Haggle Guy

And copious amounts of:

Blood of JC

?

Answer: 

One of the greatest nights in Black Fish history.

I wish I could provide a coherent narrative of the way the night unfolded. But such was the mystery and majesty of this amazing night that I possess only a confused melange of isolated memories, devoid of context and meaning. Even the chronology of events seems non-linear, like a dream. Perhaps the whole event was a dream, although if this were the case then I have the world's first confirmed case of dream-induced hepatitis. 

Anyway, what follows is a collection of reconstructed memories of the night the mighty Black Fish had dinner with Stuey O'Grady and his Paris-Roubaix trophy. Don't expect it to make any sense.

1. The warm-up

Weeks shows his disdain for capitalist 'fashion' by defiantly wearing a hoodie

If there's one thing that the Black Fish cycling squad does better than ritually humiliating "Mount" Lofty, it is strapping on a clean dinner hoodie and heading to a spectacular local vineyard for some carbo-loading. Thankfully, medical science has taught us that bio-available carbohydrates (or, in layman's terms, 'empty calories'), are best provided to elite athletes in the form of wine and other alcoholic beverages. So it was a team requirement that all members attend the Stuey O'Grady dinner at the Lane vineyard.

Cadel Mountain Mix, in liquid form

Soon, a large amount of carbo-loading had taken place. Clearly the Fish can be expected to dominate next week's Tour Down Under.

It was at this point that it became necessary to share some Black Fish wisdom with the captain of the fledgling Australian cycling team GreenEDGE (previously known as the Black Fish Development Squad)

2. The Main Event

Marty Edwards wonders who let his 'cousin' onto the guest list

Early in the night, the great man was happy to share an array of amazing anecdotes about the life of a professional cyclist (including out-running the Italian police at 320km/hr with Troy Bayliss, and riding his pushbike down a hill at over 120km/hr. This makes him the 6th-fastest human ever on a bicycle, after the 5 elite Black Fish each Sunday morning on the Mt Lofty descent).

If there are any positives that can come from having multiple episodes of significant brain injury in one's life (and there are), it is the development of a brutal form of honesty (or 'disinhibition', in more clinical terms). Unfortunately for Stuey, but much more fortunately for those of us in the audience, he does not suffer from Homer Simpson Syndrome. So each successive fall over a cliff, skiing accident or speed-induced seizure has incrementally enhanced Stuey's honesty. This was beautifully encapsulated in an anecdote about his tactics in bunch sprints as a young man, which was to target older sprinters who had children and attempt to head-butt them into roadside barriers, as he knew they would eventually yield to his suicidal behaviour. This is exactly why the Black Fish have tried for many years to bring him into the team. And watch carefully in Tanunda next Friday and you might see all five of the newly-inspired BF squad careering wildly across the home straight, smashing into pensioners and other vulnerable oldies, using heads as weapons of mass destruction. You're all mine, Eddie Merckx.

Many more anecdotes soon followed, facilitated by the Michael Parkinson of cycling-vineyard-dinner Q&A sessions, our very own Dicky Weeks. I'm sure many other paying customers had a question for Stuey. Perhaps they could send him an email.

When drinking, O'Grady would allow his conjoined twin to emerge from his jacket

Soon, O'Grady could no longer resist his desire to approach the Black Fish for a chat. In order to lure us in, he brought his most prized possession, the famous cobblestone trophy from his victory in the 2007 Paris-Roubaix. Take note of how Finola appears to effortlessly hold the trophy, despite its weight of about 300kg and the aggressive sleeper hold that O'Grady is employing on her neck. 

A long-time fan of the Black Fish blog and deeply impressed by our low skin-fold scores, O'Grady soon demanded that we each have a photo with the trophy. Even this guy was unable to haggle himself a photo opportunity like that.

So behold, the mighty Black Fish with one of the few major cycling trophies to have eluded them:

Team clown Weeks attempts to bring some zany to the serious sport of cycling

When in fact it is a deadly serious business

Or just mildly confusing

Conclusive evidence that cycling makes your hair fall out is still lacking

3. On the relative importance of wine and cycling

Everyone loves wine. The Black Fish more than most. And everyone knows that South Australian wines are superior. But fine South Australian wines may be considered to be ubiquitous, whereas South Australian winners of Paris-Roubaix are a scarce resource. So in a combined marketplace, demand for Roubaix winners will always outstrip that for excessive discourse on wines, no matter how fine they are. Unfortunately the logic behind this simple bit of vino/velo economics was lost on the geniuses at the Lane, who sought to supplant Stuey's (gold) cycling anecdotes with some wine talk. As expected, the Fish took refuge in the wine itself, but even they were surprised when O'Grady himself sought similar refuge and, on this occasion, had a clear victory over the Fish.

4. The Looking-Glass

At this point, we all went through the looking-glass.

We soon learned some valuable lessons:

i) Stuey doesn't know his body-fat percentage, and will tell you where to go if you ask him

ii) Nobody, least of all famous cycling celebrities, should be asked to 'interview' this clown about his vineyard, or indeed ask his opinion on anything at all

iii) When approached with food, this man will invariably say 'yes'; when approached with any other request or comment, he will invariably tell you to get fucked

iv) This man's wife, the lovely Helen Edwards has a passion for two things:

     (a) Pork    (b) Edwardses

v) Stuey still has a passion for cycling, much like a painter (or some other incomprehensible metaphor)

vi) Stuey doesn't think much of Bob Stapleton (but he can think of a pithy description of him)

vii) Stuey has never hurt on a bike (but he will hurt Sam Edwards if he asks him that question again)

viii) Stuey kindly offered BF Dwyer a private riding session (at least I think that's what he was offering)

5. The Aftermath

The Paris-Roubaix is without doubt the most gruelling one-day cycling event. 260km of cobble-stone riddled, icy wind-blasted, mud-stained pain (or no pain, in Stuey's case). Its trophy is both beautiful and deeply symbolic, and is coveted by every member of the professional peloton. 

Stuart loves his trophy.

Made from one of the famous cobbles that line the route of the Hell of the North, it looks indestructible.

It is not.

The good news is that no member of the Black Fish was responsible for the destruction of this beautiful monument. Indeed, it was Stuey himself who, shortly after posing for a bizarre photo with a member of the Hair Bear Bunch, vigorously returned his trophy to the Lane's portable card table which, unbeknownst to him, was constructed from Kryptonite. 

The smudge of rubble that remained was itself a metaphor; just as the intact trophy represented unimaginable hardness in the face of adversity - the triumph of man over the elements - the crumbly remains serve to remind us of the very human fragility of the cyclist, a condition to which Stuey's ribs, vertebrae, skull and clavicles (and Dicky's little toe) can readily attest.

Fortunately, John Edwards was able to remedy the situation by quickly placing the trophy fragments in a Lane-branded brown paper bag and returning it to the display table, where it was indistinguishable from its original state.

And never underestimate the innate scavenging ability of the mighty Black Fish, each of whom now possesses a small souvenir fragment of the most famous trophy in cycling.

Surely the totemic quality of these shards will propel the Fish to even greater heights when they tackle the TDU next week.

Don't miss it, cycling fans.

And watch out, Merckx, I'm coming for you.

Black Fish in Pain - part 2: apis contra piscem

The cycling gods, not content with the attempted hobbling of veteran Dicky Weeks, struck again this week. And this time they targeted your correspondent, BF00, presumably because they find my lack of faith disturbing*. On an early-morning 'twin peaks' ride comprising Lofty and Greenhill, BF00 and the valiant S. Edwards looked resplendent in their team kit as they streaked up past Eagle on the Hill. At which point disaster (or the cycling gods, or some other god, or someone in command of a bee army....) struck.

A kamikaze bee attacked BF00, with murderous intent. Fortunately for me, he failed in his attempt to sting me in the pharynx, but he did manage to get me on the top lip.

Immediately after the sting, I looked like this:

Not so bad.

But, disturbingly, I woke up this morning to find that I looked like this:

Truly terrifying.

Of course, we already know that the Black Fish are made of stern stuff so, having checked on Edwards' knowledge of anaphylaxis management (note to RAH Immunology Department: you may wish to spend some more time educating your registrars), we pushed on, and dominated the hills in true Black Fish style.

I score that as: Piscis 1, Apis 0.


(*This Star Wars reference was included for the benefit of the world's biggest Star Wars fan, Dr Edwards)

Black Fish in Pain - part 1

The degree of success and adulation achieved by great sporting clubs such as the Black Fish rarely comes without great cost. As the eminent Belgian archbishop (and prominent Black Fish supporter) Leo Joseph Suenens once said, “Happy are those who dream dreams and are ready to pay the price to make them come true.” And so it is for the Black Fish.

With the 2012 Tour Down Under only weeks away, each member of the elite BF cycling squad has been living the sort of ascetic, self-flagellant existence that would make even Suenens question his faith (in god, not the mighty Black Fish). And while most known deities, and other sundry supernatural entities (ranging from Santa Claus to, awkwardly, a Mer-Man), have formally signed on as Black Fish supporters, it appears that even the Fish are unable to avoid the occasional stochastic mishap.

Which brings us to the sorry fate of Richard "Slow-Twitch" Weeks, the engine-room of the Black Fish train on the flat and the owner of the world's most peculiar reverse-fatiguing thigh muscles. Not content with his dominance on the bike, Weeks sought to demonstrate his ability to survive a torrid backyard pace bowling spell from elite 5-year-old prodigy Weeks (E) during the traditional Weeks/Edwards Xmas cricket carnival. Overjoyed at managing to back away from his stumps without being detected by the jeering crowd, Weeks attempted a Brett Lee-style jump and heel-click. Cricket afficionados will appreciate that not even Lee, who took 310 wickets in 76 tests and therefore did his stupid little skip at least 300 times, was able to carry off this manoeuvre with anything resembling grace. One can only imagine, then, the carnage that was the Weeks attempt. I will spare you the details - one's imagination will produce sufficient horror - but here is the result:

Even those unfamiliar with looking at x-rays of the little toe will appreciate the enormity of this fracture but, just in case, I have added a pink arrow to demonstrate the severely angulated spiral fracture. Nasty stuff. Enough to make even Mick Doohan shudder. And it took only 2 ring blocks, a double rum, and 3 attempts to reduce the fracture. Doohan would have needed 4 ring blocks, at least, I am sure.

But this is where the Black Fish spirit prevails. Ordered off the bike for a minimum of 4 weeks by the Orthopaedic surgeon, the magnificent Weeks simply prescribed himself a single dose of HTFU and was back on the bike within days.

I encourage all Black Fish fans to stand and applaud this fine man as he cycles past you on January 20 - he will be in pain, but he will finish the TDU.

That is the way of the Black Fish.

Major Announcement: New Black Fish Cycling Kit!

Ladies & Gentleman, the wait is finally over. The mighty Black Fish Cycling team today unveiled its 2011-12 official team kit.

In a major overhaul of the team design since the switch in focus from elite basketball to elite cycling, the new gear features the spectacular new logo and a splash of fiery red, but maintains the emphasis on the menacing black that characterizes the team.

The kit, including jerseys & shorts (pictured below), caps, and arm warmers & leg warmers (we highly value the warmth of our peripheries around here) has been designed and supplied by the magnificent team at Tineli. In a first for this website, I would like to give an unreserved and genuine endorsement to Jono and the rest of the gang at Tineli, who have turned a back-of-the-envelope design into the awesome gear that will, from this day on, be seen climbing Lofty at record speed.

Future posts will include more images of the gear, as modeled by your favourite Black Fish cyclists (please send your modeling requests to admin@black-fish.org).

Training Ride 27/11/2011

With only 54 days to go until the 2012 Tour Down Under, the mighty Black Fish cycling juggernaut has begun to step up the training intensity. After a grueling sufferfest during the week, hardened riders Weeks, Whittle and Edwards set out for a rapid leg-burner on the time-honoured Deviation Road route (see training map below). So professional were the riders that they were able to ignore the ravages of the sunny, 27-degree, wind-free conditions.

All three riders showed outstanding form, and were so far ahead of their expected pace that they stopped for some publicity shots along the way. These photos are for you, Black Fish fans, because we love you.

Edwards & Weeks interrupt a magnificent view

If you look carefully, you can see the bandaid that

 signifies BF00's ham-fisted approach to leg-shaving

Ladies, don't miss the alluring hint of Edwards midriff...

Rumour: Robbie McEwen to leave GreenEDGE for Black Fish?

In one of the hottest rumours on the international cycling circuit this year, speculation is mounting that cycling great Robbie McEwen is in active talks to defer taking up his position with GreenEDGE in order to seek further cycling glory with the mighty Black Fish.

Many believe that McEwen, winner of the 2002, 2004 & 2006 Tour de France Green Jersey, would be the perfect fit for the Fish, whose fabled train (and the unparalleled lead-out capability of team leader Sam Whittle) would have little difficulty in depositing the legendary sprinter at the front of the peloton in any level of competition. It remains unclear whether McEwen, 39 (pictured below with Whittle), would be willing to commit to the rigours of weekly Thursday night 'Dicky Spin' sessions, rather than opt for the more leisurely training regimen of World Tour contenders GreenEDGE.

Nonetheless, the rumour gained extra momentum earlier today when McEwen was seen in talks with the Black Fish skipper, and even dedicated a copy of his recent autobiography 'One Way Road' to the mighty Black Fish cycling juggernaut. Stay tuned for more details...

Training Ride 30 October, 2011

In a moment that can only have stirred the loins of Black Fish fans everywhere, the magnificently menacing BF cycling quartet of Edwards, Rodgers, Weeks and Whittle were reunited on the road in the final training ride before Amy's Ride. And it was a day replete with both novelty and routine: it was the team's first reconnoitre of a part of the 2012 TDU route, the first Black Fish assault on Anstey's Hill, and this is the first BF blog post to include both a route map and a training video. The routine part, however, was the precision with which the fabled Black Fish train locked together at every opportunity to create an emergent whole that was truly greater than the sum of its parts.

The map below can show you the route and the elevation, but it can't describe to you the transcendent glory of four fine men and their bikes, a multipartite chimera of muscle and machine, as they cleaved the early morning air like gods, intent on banishing mortal laws of gravity.

Plus we ate some jelly beans, which was good.

Let me assure you, Fish fans, the team is in extremely good shape for this time of the year. Expect to see some record-breaking performances in the weeks to come. While Rodgers and Whittle take a brief (and well-deserved) hiatus from training in order to promote the Black Fish brand globally, super-domestiques Edwards and Weeks will assume the unfamiliar roles of co-team leaders this Sunday as they tackle the hair-raising descents on the Southern Expressway and the gruesome prolonged climb up Willunga Hill, the scene of Weeks' stunning break-out KOM performance last year. And to give you a taste of just how sharp they are looking, behold their irresistible form as they coast along the hills of Kangaroo Creek reservoir:

(PS, Ladies: don't forget to check out the alluring hint of Edwards 'dimples of Venus' at the end of the video)

Black Fish Cycling training ride 23 October 2011

With only days remaining until Amy's Ride, the first major event of the summer season for Black Fish Cycling, the squad produced a magnificent training ride early on Sunday, October 23. While Rodgers used 'work' as a thinly-veiled excuse to continue his bizarre obsessional relationship with Mt Lofty (or as he now insists on calling it 'The Good Lady Lofty, my common-law bride'), Edwards, Weeks & Whittle set out in the early-morning quiet under appropriately foreboding skies. Veteran domestique Weeks, the team's master tactician and leader of the mighty Black Fish train on flat sprints, freshly-shaved and clearly lighter than at this time last year, looked in magnificent condition as he sought to tackle the fearsome Fox Creek Road hill climb for the first time.

The squad made excellent time along Gorge Road and soon made the first rest station, at Cudlee Creek Tavern. Unfortunately, this opportunity to carefully wipe the mud flecks from the irresistibly smooth thighs and adjust the brightly-coloured lycra (featuring light-blue cow spots in Richard's case), while refreshing themselves with delicious water and healthy Uncle Toby's products was soured by the audience for this spectacle of hyper-manliness, pictured below:

Having escaped with their lives intact, the squad rapidly departed in the direction of Fox Creek Road, the heady aroma of Farmer's Union Iced Coffee, never-washed leather, goatee-grooming products and THC fresh in their nostrils.

From there, it was all about pain.

Having last ascended Fox Creek Road in the 2010 TDU, Whittle and Edwards were filled with a bravado born of hypoxia-induced cognitive dysfunction. Unsurprisingly, it was hard. But mercifully short. And soon the squad was again piercing the humid hills air with the exocet precision of the fabled Black Fish train, ascending the traditionally-awful back side of Forest Range with relative ease.

After 3 hours of almost constant climbing, the Fish attacked the Greenhill Road descent. Sadly for fans of super-gonadal descender Whittle, his Hushovd-style attack was stymied by some beardy clown driving a diesel-spewing Land Rover who couldn't comprehend that it is reasonable to make way for a cyclist who is clearly faster than one's pathetic 'motor vehicle'.

In the end it was an extremely strong display by a team that is poised for greatness this summer. Stay tuned, Fish fans!

News: Rodgers sets new BF climbing record

In a stunning display of early-season form, Black Fish Cycling domestique Alex Rodgers set a club-record time of 41:15 for the climb from the Toll Gate to Mt Lofty during a training ride on Saturday, 8th October 2011.

Rodgers (pictured, in an early - and unorthodox - training camp with European squad member Michael Nissen) had controversially eschewed the traditional late-winter training regimen of half-arsed trundles up Norton Summit in favour of a punishing schedule of regular Sufferfests and multiple solo assaults on Mt Lofty. His approach had been a source of considerable frustration to him in the weeks leading up to the record, as his extraordinarily detailed knowledge of the route appeared to make little impact on his times. But in a single spectacular ride that left team-mates Edwards and Weeks in his wake, he silenced the critics and positioned himself as the team's in-form climber leading into the summer season.

With the team's two leading climbers, Rodgers and Whittle, planning last-minute altitude hepatotoxicity training in the US in early November, the Black Fish appear poised to dominate the domestic riding season.

Black Fish hail Cadel

Having finally recovered from the accumulated sleep debt, the mighty Black Fish wish to take this opportunity to congratulate Cadel Evans on his Black Fish-worthy victory in the 2011 Tour de France.

Last minute contract negotiations between BF management and BMC are ongoing, but we remain hopeful that a transfer deal will be in place in time for Cadel to line up for the Fish in the 2012 TdU. The main obstacle at this stage remains Cadel's reluctance to undergo the indescribable pain of weekly sufferfest sessions at Dicky's House o' Pain in the months prior to the event. For only the very hardest of characters can endure that degree of pain. In return for his attendance, current BF cycling team members have agreed to spend the next few months growing arse-chins.

And in even more exciting news, when Cadel dons the BF strip in January (if he hardens up a bit), he will be wearing the new (official) Black Fish cycling gear. Stay tuned for more information on how you too can soon be the proud owner of official Black Fish merchandise.

Great Moments in Black Fish History - Part 1

A random series of nostalgic moments featuring members of the Black Fish Hall of Fame.

Coast to Coast 2011

It was an elite quartet of Black Fish cyclists that tackled the 2011 Coast to Coast ride. Super Fish Whittle, Edwards, Weeks & Dwyer rose before dawn to set out on the 120km journey from Glenelg to Victor Harbor. Regrettably, experienced Coast to Coaster Rodgers was unable to return from the training camp in Penang in time to rejoin the team. Fortunately, this meant at least 3 fewer tyre change stops for the rest of the team.

And indeed it was a trouble-free day for the Fish, who covered the
distance with considerable ease and a surfeit of style. The other
competitors could only look on in awe as the tight drive train scythed
through the hapless peloton. Under sunny skies the Fish arrived
together at Victor Harbor in record time, sans mishaps, sans injuries,
sans discomfort, and sans compare.

Another superb chapter in the unparalleled history of this magnificent
sporting club.

A gallery of Black Fish heroes:

Richard "the-Flatter-the-Better" Weeks

The incomparable Sam Edwards, whose battle to complete the Coast to Coast despite the ravages of childhood polio has inspired a generation.

Recent recruit, Finola "Victory-or-Death" Dwyer

Polio-man demonstrating the subtlety of the modifications to his bike (which uses patented Cancellara hidden-motor technology).

Sufferfest

A sneak peak inside the Black Fish pain cave, the scene of the weekly
self-inflicted atrocity at which heroes are born.

Black Fish training ride 6/02/2011

City-Greenhill Road-Ashton-Basket Range-Uraidla-Greenhill Road-City

Black Fish recovery lunch at Coriole

2011 Tour Down Under

And so it came to pass that the cycling division of the mighty Black Fish set out to tackle the gruelling 135km pain-fest that was Stage IV of the 2011 TDU. After months of a monastic devotion to Dicky Spin, hills rides and depilation, the team - Sam W, Alex R, Sam E, Richard W and Finola D - was ready. The night before the ride was long. Each team member could only manage brief moments of sleep, before waking in a cold sweat, terrorized by visions of Checker Hill and strange premonitions of fat men with creepily-bandaged unilateral leg oedema hacking them down.

A warm and still morning greeted the warriors as they assembled under cover of darkness at Dicky's house o' pain. They were soon at the start line in Norwood, and ready for battle.

(A special thanks to former Australian batsman Dean Jones for coming out to see us on our way)

And so the race began....

As with any great adventure, the day brought many and varied tales; comedy, tragedy, heroism. Tales almost impossible to capture with words alone. So instead, we present a summary of the highlights and lowlights of a seminal day in Black Fish history. Lowlights first:

Lowlights:

• Finola's flat tyre at the 0.2 km mark
• The entire 8000-strong peloton vanishing into the distance, along with the support vans, police and ambulance, leaving the Black Fish in exactly last place
• The limitless procession of slow-riding idiots who found it acceptable to ride in the right lane so that all passing manoevres required a pact with the devil
• Aforementioned leg Oedema Man's singular effort to prevent at least three Fish from completing the Checker Hill climb
• All the other clowns who, like Oedema Man, sought to prevent any of the Fish from completing Checker Hill (which they have previously proven to be within their capabilities)
• Sam E and Alex R kissing some dirt on Checker Hill
• Sam W crashing into a stationary car in Mt Barker, leaving an attractive sunscreen-smear on the rear window
• Having "We Built This City" by Starship as an (inexplicable) earworm for the majority of the six-hour ride to Strathalbyn
• Other teams with hilarious 'pun' names (examples: "Diff'rent Spokes", "Mud, Sweat and Gears")
• Bizarre sub-zero temperatures at the Macclesfield refreshment station
• Sam E's wrong turn in the final kilometres (and subsequent heroic, but bonk-crippled attempt to rejoin the group)
• The traffic jam in Strathalbyn on the way home

Highlights:

• Finishing
• And not just finishing, but all Black Fish arriving in style, looking fresh (and still pretty), with no fractures or bleeding
• The glorious weather for almost all of the race
• Not being in outpatients
• Rejoining the peloton in Athelstone after giving it a 30-minute head start
• The super work by Katie E and Kate W to bring the heroes home
• Beer number 1
• Beers 2-5
• Richard and Kate's drunken lamb

So, while an additive analysis would have the lowlights outweighing the highlights, in a weighted analysis where "finishing" has a weighting of infinity, the highlights are the clear winners. A perfect day, and another chapter in the proud history of the mighty mighty Black Fish.

Black Fish are back!

There is a palpable sense of excitement surging through the internet, as the mighty Black Fish sporting club returns to cyberspace. Since the unfortunate demise of the on-court arm of the Black Fish Basketball Club, the members of this proud organization have battled the forces of geographic dispersion and next-generation-of-black-fish-creation in order to diversify the sports that will be dominated by Black Fish in the future.

From triathlon to tennis, the Fish have athletes dominating every sport (primarily sports beginning with a 't'). But the big news this week is that for the first time, the elite cycling division of the Black Fish will compete under the banner of Black Fish Cycling, in the Tour Down Under community challenge. Black Fish stalwarts Whittle, Rodgers, Edwards and Weeks will be joined by co-opted Fish Finola Dwyer as they tackle 135km of pain, including the potentially heart-breaking Checker Hill.

But, as everyone knows, the Fish have hearts forged from steel. And no hill has ever been a match for the mighty BF cycling division.

We stand at the dawn of a new epoch. The era of Black Fish Cycling. Stay tuned for updates.

(P.S. note that we appear to be on a 5-year cycle)

Winter Season 2008